Have you heard of meetings that should have been emails? Welcome to episodes that should have been previews, as we travel around the world watching different faces have the same conversation, while I battle a fever that could have at least had the decency to wrap this episode in hallucination.
First up is Avery, who tricked us into believing she’d spend the night starfishing in a room of one’s own, and instead went full octopus. She wakes up ten years younger, free from the chains of makeup. This is either evidence of a high quality fuckfest, or bathing in the blood of virgins, and it’s Avery’s first night in town, so give the girl a minute to network. Professional gigolo Ash assures us it was just another productive night at the office, but his eyes are protruding just a touch more than before.
“Dude is fucktastic,” Avery explains, eyes shaking manically. “Dude dunked on my vagina and smashed the backboard. I’m not going to be able to do scorpion pose for a week.”
“Connection,” Ash insists. “We had a lot of intense, heart-centered connection. On a soul level. In an opening the flower petal by petal kind of way. That’s why I’m popular with the florist.”
In the kitchen they produce a variety of brightly colored fruits and vegetables to arrange on the counter, while they discuss how successful they’ll both be in California, before they move to North Carolina or Austin for the “community” and housing prices. Avery is uneasy about her upcoming meeting with Ash’s more attractive brother, Antish, who you might remember from his stint playing Scar in The Lion King. Neither brother drinks, but Avery’s wine-implant has been misfiring, and there’s not a marijuana leaf in sight. No matter how many times she dips her genitals into the ocean, it’s just not the same as tossing back a few dirty martinis and peeing in the street while crying. So she’s gonna like…have to order a drink. If he’s okay with that. If he doesn’t mind.
“I only speak in New Age jargon, so I don’t want to restrict your expression, even if it requires imbibing in nature’s deceptive nectar. Thank you for bringing these concerns to my attention. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” Ash salads.
“You always know the right things to say,” Avery responds, as the only person to feel this way. “I feel like you’re coaching me.” Well, sort of, except Ash’s best play was directly deposited the night before, so yeah.
Ash reveals that his brother is an introvert who doesn’t want a 90DF cast member and the entire crew in his face all day, because he’s seen this show and knows his whole joint is going to smell like Burger King and bad decisions for weeks, and cleaning supplies are at a premium right now. His suspicion of Avery makes me wonder if Ash comes from cash, but if this show has taught us anything, it’s that you can have a double-wide propped on concrete blocks owned by the bank with a notice of eviction, and a steady stream of rats and feral children crawling in and out a hole chewed through the door, and a relative will still surface to derp, “She’s jerst after yer gooooold, Jethro!”
After a day of wandering around the city removing toxins and banishing negativity, they decide to enter the presence of an incubus, servant to the great god Buzzkill. Their introduction takes place in the safety of a restaurant, with this (almost verbatim) exchange:
Avery: Have you eaten here before?
Antish: Yes.
Avery: Interesting. What house have you been sorted into?
Antish: Slytherin. And you?
Avery: Hufflepuff.
Antish: Interesting.
Most of their interaction is punctuated by “interesting,” which is a nice, neutral way of saying, “I’m storing this info for future combat.” What is interesting is that Antish is clearly upset about the possibility of his brother moving to another country, but instead of acknowledging that, he presents his borderline rage as a logical response to the on-off nature of their relationship.
“I’m going to need a drink. With vodka. Just turn the bottle upside down into this glass and walk away,” Avery requests.
“You know, I’m going to need one too,” Ash says. “He will definitely be appalled by this and blame you for my misdeeds, over and over, for the remainder of the season.”
“Well guys, we all know that one drink can lead to two drinks, and you can’t talk to Jesus when you’re drunk.” Benji, what the fuck are you doing here? “Look at my simpering expression. Do you want this, Avery?”
Antish continues scowling at the drinks, while demanding to know why they think this can work, exactly. He asks about the impact on their children, and Avery explains that Ash told her this wouldn’t be a problem. The dark current roiling from Antish’s eyes towards his brother underscores the likelihood that this is total bullshit.
“I feel like I’m being interviewed by the person who wants the job,” Avery observes, while Antish shreds her resume in the background.
Meanwhile, over in Big Ed’s alternative universe, a short middle-aged dude with mayo hair who hasn’t had sex in 28 years and is lying about vasectomy plans is concerned about his 23 year-old girlfriend’s past. Big Ed is fully exhausted by the white-knuckle ten minutes he spent in a public market, valiantly defending his gaping wallet from all the people around him refusing to speak English or count money in American. He furiously scans the horizon for something he can gift himself while insisting he’s treating Rose, and spies a nail salon, where an innocent stranger is tasked with massaging his bean feet and pulling out toe jam with her fingernail.
“When Ed stress, he suck life from room,” Rose considers. “Ed need calm down. No sex 28 years no good. Orgasms back up to brain, leak out of back in sweat river.”
“I was mildly uncomfortable, and moderately inconvenienced,” Ed explains. “This is definitely not what I signed up for when I went hunting for a barely-legal bride in an impoverished country. Wondering where all the Purell is? I have it. All of it. Purell is the new mayo.”
Rose is disappointed in the day’s trajectory, because she foolishly thought Ed might actually be fun, and that they’d spend their time examining their shared future, which doesn’t fit with Big Ed’s plan to go spelunking through her past. “I haven’t even had a chance to build a detailed timeline around the events of her 17th birthday. And as someone who cheated on his last wife and then gave up, I demand perfection. I’m hoping she’s never had the chance to be young.”
“Relax, I’m on your side,” Rose indulges.
“You promise? Always on my side? Forever and ever?” There will never be enough assurance.
Rose: Yes. You want lollipop?
Big Dud: I want a red one and the blue balloon!
Rose: You can have lollipop OR balloon.
Big Dud: I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT.
Then Big Ed is ready to bring up the elephant in every technophobe boomer’s closet of dead ideas: THE FACEBOOK. 4,000 friends?! How can she possibly have 4,000 drinks with 4,000 people on a regular basis? You can’t have a 4,000-way call, so the only other option is an STI!
“This 2020,” Rose makes a bold attempt. “I click button, say yes, okay? No big deal. Invisible friend, okay?”
“That can’t be how it works.”
“Yes. It’s okay. Open request, all men from Morocco. They want love me for personality. And this one is Soja Boy. He celebrity. It’s okay.”
This matter isn’t settled, but they head to a restaurant, where Big Dud is ready to move from riding her about her mysterious past to demanding she get an STI test to medically explain it. It takes her a minute to understand what’s happening, and when she figures it out she’s livid.
Rose: Why you no watch Paul season?
Big Dud: I’m sorry. I thought I would get an original storyline, but they really like the germaphobe angle.
Rose: Then you get test too.
Big Dud: Whoa whoa whoa slow down there, this isn’t about your comfort, it’s about mine.
Rose: I feel like you don’t trust me.
Big Dud: I don’t. As someone lying about wanting additional children, I have to assume other people are also lying so I don’t have to look at myself. I will now pompously excuse myself and hope that your desperation to escape poverty is in line with my delusions of grandeur.
Ed goes outside to arrogantly assume he’s achieved the upper hand, and Rose starts to cry, and says she’s very hurt. She thought Ed would treat her like a person, not a fuck doll. “He thinks I’m a dirty woman. He doesn’t treat me as his girlfriend.” Then she gets up to rage, and her eyes have gone full Ash.
She finds Big Asshole and says that she wants to go home and doesn’t want to be around him anymore. She rapidly fires off her romantic history, which includes Prince’s father bouncing and starting a whole new family with another woman, and asks the very valid question: “Why do I always have to defend?” Then she storms off, with Ed trailing behind, blathering about how they’re “getting somewhere” and insisting that this information is all he wanted.
“That’s another lie,” Angela is there for us. “Lying again. This is why I don’t trust you, Michael.”
Michael: How did I get here?
Big Asshole: It wasn’t my intention to hurt her, or to think about her feelings at all.
Rose wants to leave, and Ed insists that his primary concern is her safety, and so he offers to get her a hotel room in another hotel, or a different room in the hotel where he’s staying. She says she wants a different hotel, and he puts her in a cab and she takes off.
“I don’t believe in love,” he warbles. “I’m going to find a nice guys subreddit and talk about how all women are bitches who only want Chad.”
Since we’re already in the heart of darkness: I can’t tell if Lisa is dating Usman or if she’s in Nigeria to arrest him, but I’m certain police work is more romantic than this relationship. He walks into their hotel room with a heaping plate of something Lisa declares “spicy,” because it contains flavor. Rice falls from his mouth and Lisa looks at him with a weird toothless and lipless smile, while they discuss the next day’s premiere party, where Lisa expects him to “handle” his female friends. This either means pretending they don’t exist, or lining them up blindfolded for instagram execution.
Usman tells Lisa he has a surprise for her, and since she’s full-on delusional this could be anything. He takes her to his studio, which is just a dark room with a keyboard and some foam stapled to the wall, and this is perhaps the most honest music studio ever presented on television.
“Is this where you recorded the song about me? I’m not sure if that’s your only song, or just the only song I’m interested in,” Lisa asks.
“I’ll go there for you, anything you want and I’ll go do for you, numanumanuma and a you you you,” Usman sings.
The video director, Umar, stops by to say hello, before retreating to the comforts of his red velvet pimp couch. Lisa demands to know if he’s the “idiot” who knows what a model is, even if she doesn’t, while Usman protests that he’s not an idiot, but he’s no longer sure that marrying one is worth the green card. Lisa hasn’t seen the new, heavily-edited version of the video yet, but the director has divorced himself from the final product, which features an overlay of Lisa in a ponytail and flip flops struggling to pack a suitcase and gumming a whip cream-heavy Starbucks before slamming Usman’s face into her clam.
Usman tries for a second introduction, but Umar is already annoyed by this human obstacle who created more work for him. He calls Lisa “queen of queens” because she gets what she wants, and Lisa (rightly) assumes there’s a dig tucked in there, but doesn’t consider for a second that it might be because she’s totally irrational.
The hits keep coming when they go out to dinner to meet Abba, a music industry colleague, who Usman hopes will explain the music industry to Lisa, who already knows everything. After Abba declares Lisa lucky to be with Sojaboy, Usman tells Abba that every scene of the model in his music video has been removed, so now it’s just him standing on a concrete wall, wearing sunglasses and dancing and pointing at things. Abba is appalled, and tries to tell her that she doesn’t understand the music industry, while Lisa insists that the video “took away from the concept of the song.” That concept is a creeping shadow hovering behind Usman, while he makes an open bid for the American hip hop market. Abba says she’s bringing trouble to his career, and asks Lisa if women other than girlfriends appear in music videos in the United States. Lisa insists they don’t, because she only watches music videos for songs that are about her.
Unable to contain himself or this bullshit any longer, Abba asks the question on everyone’s mind: Are you trying to ruin his music career? Lisa is insulted and wants Usman to defend her. Usman is more concerned about making sure Abba is at his premiere party, and so Lisa says she’ll give them a few minutes, then flounces away, and once again she fails to note that no one is running after her. After standing there sulking for a second and bitching to the producers, she returns to insist she wants to leave immediately, and Abba gets the hell out of there before she can make suggestions for album titles and cover art. Usman is embarrassed that she’s not “acting like a woman,” which he totally needs her to do just long enough to get his music video on American television.
In a different upside down, David is hunting for an engagement ring for his 27 year-old Ukrainian fan-fiction. He’s looking for something that isn’t a diamond, but could be presented as diamond, which is a succinct summary of their entire relationshit. Like many cast members before him, David feels inspired to share his entire life story with a dead-eyed customer service rep looking around for the emergency exits. Later, David packs his suitcase and chooses to call lube “massage oil” because he uses it to massage his taint, so close enough. Stop it, David. We know what Astroglide looks like, and that shit is going to spill all over your suitcase unless you invest in a new bottle that’s been properly sealed. Enjoy your sugar-semen clothing, David.
David’s friend Jim comes by to blind other drivers with his gleaming teeth the entire route to the airport. He asks if David thought Lana bowing out of their cruise plans for “medical reasons,” the last time he tried this was a red flag, and David explains it wasn’t, it was a prophecy, because do you read the news, Jim? One flight later he lands in Odessa, where friend Anya is waiting to meet him. These two met years ago when Anya was on the hunt for an American husband, but when they met Anya felt no sparks, but she didn’t feel inspired to seek out a restraining order, because he isn’t Geoffrey.
David confesses he hasn’t had much luck with women, and that his last two relationships fell apart because the women “weren’t ready for a relationship” which I’m going to go ahead and translate to mean “they weren’t ready to diaper me.” Anya has concerns that Lana might be using David, while David talks about how Lana is definitely going to meet him this time, because they need pictures or he’s not going to be able to get her a K1 visa. Desperation for American citizenship is one of three rings of 90DF romance, right before calling your partner a pussy and demanding an STI test. In Why Are We Watching This, Shitshow, Yolanda is still pretending to be in a relationship. Williams contacts her to share his concerns about the mysterious deletion of his instagram, which expired through no fault of his own. This tends to happen when you’re trying to escape someone you’ve met online who won’t send money. It’s unclear whether they’ve selected travel dates or the proper fictional airport and hotel, but in the meantime Yolanda is ready to go shopping at a store named Hottie with her friend Kim. She declares an intention to get something sexy and cute for a trip that isn’t going to happen, and Kim plays along, mostly, but fails to summon appropriate enthusiasm for Williams’ heart-emoji text message, because she isn’t 12.
Now it’s time to catch up with Erica, who lives in the Kansas of Australia, and a man is standing behind her throwing kangaroos into her photo frame. This is new. Go on. Instead of gifting us additional airborne marsupials, we’re redirected to the town’s socializing train tracks, where Erica rocket-pops a camp chair into position, and joins several extras from The Tribe. Her friends express suspicion that Erica is already calling a woman she’s never met her girlfriend, but they can’t summon the will to flip a camp chair or put down an energy drink over it, especially when there’s many forms of insect life to fan. Erica tells them that she’s going to have to move to Murica if she and Stephanie are going to be together in the long run, but if it doesn’t work out they’ll still have all those new followers.
“Like 4,000? Like 4,000 new friends?” Big Ed asks.
Erica looks back on what made her fall in love with Stephanie, who isn’t just another blondish big-boob woman talking about sex on the internets; she’s a blondish big-boob woman talking about sex on the internet who doesn’t apologize for who she is. We call this Meghan Trainor feminism. Erica has always known she’s bisexual, but there are so few gay people in Port Augusta that her only option was an import. Erica is nervous about coming out to her family for the first while Stephanie is in town, even though they’re open minded and already suspect she likes dicks and chicks. Eager for additional insight, the producers press the pals for opinions.
“There’s a lot of bugs here,” Friend 1 and Friend 2 say. “And there’s a road. That one, I guess, though I don’t see why you couldn’t just drive straight across this field. Now if you don’t mind, we need to get back to our chairing.”
In the airport Stephanie waffles back and forth between mask embarrassment and mask necessity, before busting out the makeup remover wipes for a proper waiting area whore’s bath. She spots Erica on the way down the escalator, and she’s waiting in a candy heart dress with pineapple cookies that makes Stephanie question her decision to wear a bile-colored wraparound dress all over again. Stephanie declares that she feels like she’s arriving in slow motion, and they warmly embrace and don’t kiss because Stephanie isn’t sure what the protocol is, or how down she is for PDA if it isn’t an announcement across the airport. They’re giggling like mad as they wrestle with the complexities of hand holding, and who smells and who doesn’t. Stephanie admits that she’s nervous about having sex after a long stint of intentional celibacy, that has nothing in common with the celibacy of David or Ed.
Next week, Lisa keeps up her love-bullying and tries to determine the guest list as Usman’s premiere party, Erica’s underwear is on full display before she gets uncomfortable at Stephanie’s suggestion of bathroom sexy time, Ed tries to locate Rose to he can whine anew, and Darcey takes another exhausting tittie outfit out for a spin around Tom’s balls.
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Have you heard of meetings that should have been emails? Welcome to episodes that should have been previews, as we travel around the world watching different faces have the same conversation, while I battle a fever that could have at least had the decency to wrap this episode in hallucination.
First up is Avery, who tricked us into believing she’d spend the night starfishing in a room of one’s own, and instead went full octopus. She wakes up ten years younger, free from the chains of makeup. This is either evidence of a high quality fuckfest, or bathing in the blood of virgins, and it’s Avery’s first night in town, so give the girl a minute to network. Professional gigolo Ash assures us it was just another productive night at the office, but his eyes are protruding just a touch more than before.
“Dude is fucktastic,” Avery explains, eyes shaking manically. “Dude dunked on my vagina and smashed the backboard. I’m not going to be able to do scorpion pose for a week.”
“Connection,” Ash insists. “We had a lot of intense, heart-centered connection. On a soul level. In an opening the flower petal by petal kind of way. That’s why I’m popular with the florist.”
In the kitchen they produce a variety of brightly colored fruits and vegetables to arrange on the counter, while they discuss how successful they’ll both be in California, before they move to North Carolina or Austin for the “community” and housing prices. Avery is uneasy about her upcoming meeting with Ash’s more attractive brother, Antish, who you might remember from his stint playing Scar in The Lion King. Neither brother drinks, but Avery’s wine-implant has been misfiring, and there’s not a marijuana leaf in sight. No matter how many times she dips her genitals into the ocean, it’s just not the same as tossing back a few dirty martinis and peeing in the street while crying. So she’s gonna like…have to order a drink. If he’s okay with that. If he doesn’t mind.
“I only speak in New Age jargon, so I don’t want to restrict your expression, even if it requires imbibing in nature’s deceptive nectar. Thank you for bringing these concerns to my attention. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” Ash salads.
“You always know the right things to say,” Avery responds, as the only person to feel this way. “I feel like you’re coaching me.” Well, sort of, except Ash’s best play was directly deposited the night before, so yeah.
Ash reveals that his brother is an introvert who doesn’t want a 90DF cast member and the entire crew in his face all day, because he’s seen this show and knows his whole joint is going to smell like Burger King and bad decisions for weeks, and cleaning supplies are at a premium right now. His suspicion of Avery makes me wonder if Ash comes from cash, but if this show has taught us anything, it’s that you can have a double-wide propped on concrete blocks owned by the bank with a notice of eviction, and a steady stream of rats and feral children crawling in and out a hole chewed through the door, and a relative will still surface to derp, “She’s jerst after yer gooooold, Jethro!”
After a day of wandering around the city removing toxins and banishing negativity, they decide to enter the presence of an incubus, servant to the great god Buzzkill. Their introduction takes place in the safety of a restaurant, with this (almost verbatim) exchange:
Avery: Have you eaten here before?
Antish: Yes.
Avery: Interesting. What house have you been sorted into?
Antish: Slytherin. And you?
Avery: Hufflepuff.
Antish: Interesting.
Most of their interaction is punctuated by “interesting,” which is a nice, neutral way of saying, “I’m storing this info for future combat.” What is interesting is that Antish is clearly upset about the possibility of his brother moving to another country, but instead of acknowledging that, he presents his borderline rage as a logical response to the on-off nature of their relationship.
“I’m going to need a drink. With vodka. Just turn the bottle upside down into this glass and walk away,” Avery requests.
“You know, I’m going to need one too,” Ash says. “He will definitely be appalled by this and blame you for my misdeeds, over and over, for the remainder of the season.”
“Well guys, we all know that one drink can lead to two drinks, and you can’t talk to Jesus when you’re drunk.” Benji, what the fuck are you doing here? “Look at my simpering expression. Do you want this, Avery?”
Antish continues scowling at the drinks, while demanding to know why they think this can work, exactly. He asks about the impact on their children, and Avery explains that Ash told her this wouldn’t be a problem. The dark current roiling from Antish’s eyes towards his brother underscores the likelihood that this is total bullshit.
“I feel like I’m being interviewed by the person who wants the job,” Avery observes, while Antish shreds her resume in the background.
Meanwhile, over in Big Ed’s alternative universe, a short middle-aged dude with mayo hair who hasn’t had sex in 28 years and is lying about vasectomy plans is concerned about his 23 year-old girlfriend’s past. Big Ed is fully exhausted by the white-knuckle ten minutes he spent in a public market, valiantly defending his gaping wallet from all the people around him refusing to speak English or count money in American. He furiously scans the horizon for something he can gift himself while insisting he’s treating Rose, and spies a nail salon, where an innocent stranger is tasked with massaging his bean feet and pulling out toe jam with her fingernail.
“When Ed stress, he suck life from room,” Rose considers. “Ed need calm down. No sex 28 years no good. Orgasms back up to brain, leak out of back in sweat river.”
“I was mildly uncomfortable, and moderately inconvenienced,” Ed explains. “This is definitely not what I signed up for when I went hunting for a barely-legal bride in an impoverished country. Wondering where all the Purell is? I have it. All of it. Purell is the new mayo.”
Rose is disappointed in the day’s trajectory, because she foolishly thought Ed might actually be fun, and that they’d spend their time examining their shared future, which doesn’t fit with Big Ed’s plan to go spelunking through her past. “I haven’t even had a chance to build a detailed timeline around the events of her 17th birthday. And as someone who cheated on his last wife and then gave up, I demand perfection. I’m hoping she’s never had the chance to be young.”
“Relax, I’m on your side,” Rose indulges.
“You promise? Always on my side? Forever and ever?” There will never be enough assurance.
Rose: Yes. You want lollipop?
Big Dud: I want a red one and the blue balloon!
Rose: You can have lollipop OR balloon.
Big Dud: I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT.
Then Big Ed is ready to bring up the elephant in every technophobe boomer’s closet of dead ideas: THE FACEBOOK. 4,000 friends?! How can she possibly have 4,000 drinks with 4,000 people on a regular basis? You can’t have a 4,000-way call, so the only other option is an STI!
“This 2020,” Rose makes a bold attempt. “I click button, say yes, okay? No big deal. Invisible friend, okay?”
“That can’t be how it works.”
“Yes. It’s okay. Open request, all men from Morocco. They want love me for personality. And this one is Soja Boy. He celebrity. It’s okay.”
This matter isn’t settled, but they head to a restaurant, where Big Dud is ready to move from riding her about her mysterious past to demanding she get an STI test to medically explain it. It takes her a minute to understand what’s happening, and when she figures it out she’s livid.
Rose: Why you no watch Paul season?
Big Dud: I’m sorry. I thought I would get an original storyline, but they really like the germaphobe angle.
Rose: Then you get test too.
Big Dud: Whoa whoa whoa slow down there, this isn’t about your comfort, it’s about mine.
Rose: I feel like you don’t trust me.
Big Dud: I don’t. As someone lying about wanting additional children, I have to assume other people are also lying so I don’t have to look at myself. I will now pompously excuse myself and hope that your desperation to escape poverty is in line with my delusions of grandeur.
Ed goes outside to arrogantly assume he’s achieved the upper hand, and Rose starts to cry, and says she’s very hurt. She thought Ed would treat her like a person, not a fuck doll. “He thinks I’m a dirty woman. He doesn’t treat me as his girlfriend.” Then she gets up to rage, and her eyes have gone full Ash.
She finds Big Asshole and says that she wants to go home and doesn’t want to be around him anymore. She rapidly fires off her romantic history, which includes Prince’s father bouncing and starting a whole new family with another woman, and asks the very valid question: “Why do I always have to defend?” Then she storms off, with Ed trailing behind, blathering about how they’re “getting somewhere” and insisting that this information is all he wanted.
“That’s another lie,” Angela is there for us. “Lying again. This is why I don’t trust you, Michael.”
Michael: How did I get here?
Big Asshole: It wasn’t my intention to hurt her, or to think about her feelings at all.
Rose wants to leave, and Ed insists that his primary concern is her safety, and so he offers to get her a hotel room in another hotel, or a different room in the hotel where he’s staying. She says she wants a different hotel, and he puts her in a cab and she takes off.
“I don’t believe in love,” he warbles. “I’m going to find a nice guys subreddit and talk about how all women are bitches who only want Chad.”
Since we’re already in the heart of darkness: I can’t tell if Lisa is dating Usman or if she’s in Nigeria to arrest him, but I’m certain police work is more romantic than this relationship. He walks into their hotel room with a heaping plate of something Lisa declares “spicy,” because it contains flavor. Rice falls from his mouth and Lisa looks at him with a weird toothless and lipless smile, while they discuss the next day’s premiere party, where Lisa expects him to “handle” his female friends. This either means pretending they don’t exist, or lining them up blindfolded for instagram execution.
Usman tells Lisa he has a surprise for her, and since she’s full-on delusional this could be anything. He takes her to his studio, which is just a dark room with a keyboard and some foam stapled to the wall, and this is perhaps the most honest music studio ever presented on television.
“Is this where you recorded the song about me? I’m not sure if that’s your only song, or just the only song I’m interested in,” Lisa asks.
“I’ll go there for you, anything you want and I’ll go do for you, numanumanuma and a you you you,” Usman sings.
The video director, Umar, stops by to say hello, before retreating to the comforts of his red velvet pimp couch. Lisa demands to know if he’s the “idiot” who knows what a model is, even if she doesn’t, while Usman protests that he’s not an idiot, but he’s no longer sure that marrying one is worth the green card. Lisa hasn’t seen the new, heavily-edited version of the video yet, but the director has divorced himself from the final product, which features an overlay of Lisa in a ponytail and flip flops struggling to pack a suitcase and gumming a whip cream-heavy Starbucks before slamming Usman’s face into her clam.
Usman tries for a second introduction, but Umar is already annoyed by this human obstacle who created more work for him. He calls Lisa “queen of queens” because she gets what she wants, and Lisa (rightly) assumes there’s a dig tucked in there, but doesn’t consider for a second that it might be because she’s totally irrational.
The hits keep coming when they go out to dinner to meet Abba, a music industry colleague, who Usman hopes will explain the music industry to Lisa, who already knows everything. After Abba declares Lisa lucky to be with Sojaboy, Usman tells Abba that every scene of the model in his music video has been removed, so now it’s just him standing on a concrete wall, wearing sunglasses and dancing and pointing at things. Abba is appalled, and tries to tell her that she doesn’t understand the music industry, while Lisa insists that the video “took away from the concept of the song.” That concept is a creeping shadow hovering behind Usman, while he makes an open bid for the American hip hop market. Abba says she’s bringing trouble to his career, and asks Lisa if women other than girlfriends appear in music videos in the United States. Lisa insists they don’t, because she only watches music videos for songs that are about her.
Unable to contain himself or this bullshit any longer, Abba asks the question on everyone’s mind: Are you trying to ruin his music career? Lisa is insulted and wants Usman to defend her. Usman is more concerned about making sure Abba is at his premiere party, and so Lisa says she’ll give them a few minutes, then flounces away, and once again she fails to note that no one is running after her. After standing there sulking for a second and bitching to the producers, she returns to insist she wants to leave immediately, and Abba gets the hell out of there before she can make suggestions for album titles and cover art. Usman is embarrassed that she’s not “acting like a woman,” which he totally needs her to do just long enough to get his music video on American television.
In a different upside down, David is hunting for an engagement ring for his 27 year-old Ukrainian fan-fiction. He’s looking for something that isn’t a diamond, but could be presented as diamond, which is a succinct summary of their entire relationshit. Like many cast members before him, David feels inspired to share his entire life story with a dead-eyed customer service rep looking around for the emergency exits. Later, David packs his suitcase and chooses to call lube “massage oil” because he uses it to massage his taint, so close enough. Stop it, David. We know what Astroglide looks like, and that shit is going to spill all over your suitcase unless you invest in a new bottle that’s been properly sealed. Enjoy your sugar-semen clothing, David.
David’s friend Jim comes by to blind other drivers with his gleaming teeth the entire route to the airport. He asks if David thought Lana bowing out of their cruise plans for “medical reasons,” the last time he tried this was a red flag, and David explains it wasn’t, it was a prophecy, because do you read the news, Jim? One flight later he lands in Odessa, where friend Anya is waiting to meet him. These two met years ago when Anya was on the hunt for an American husband, but when they met Anya felt no sparks, but she didn’t feel inspired to seek out a restraining order, because he isn’t Geoffrey.
David confesses he hasn’t had much luck with women, and that his last two relationships fell apart because the women “weren’t ready for a relationship” which I’m going to go ahead and translate to mean “they weren’t ready to diaper me.” Anya has concerns that Lana might be using David, while David talks about how Lana is definitely going to meet him this time, because they need pictures or he’s not going to be able to get her a K1 visa. Desperation for American citizenship is one of three rings of 90DF romance, right before calling your partner a pussy and demanding an STI test. In Why Are We Watching This, Shitshow, Yolanda is still pretending to be in a relationship. Williams contacts her to share his concerns about the mysterious deletion of his instagram, which expired through no fault of his own. This tends to happen when you’re trying to escape someone you’ve met online who won’t send money. It’s unclear whether they’ve selected travel dates or the proper fictional airport and hotel, but in the meantime Yolanda is ready to go shopping at a store named Hottie with her friend Kim. She declares an intention to get something sexy and cute for a trip that isn’t going to happen, and Kim plays along, mostly, but fails to summon appropriate enthusiasm for Williams’ heart-emoji text message, because she isn’t 12.
Now it’s time to catch up with Erica, who lives in the Kansas of Australia, and a man is standing behind her throwing kangaroos into her photo frame. This is new. Go on. Instead of gifting us additional airborne marsupials, we’re redirected to the town’s socializing train tracks, where Erica rocket-pops a camp chair into position, and joins several extras from The Tribe. Her friends express suspicion that Erica is already calling a woman she’s never met her girlfriend, but they can’t summon the will to flip a camp chair or put down an energy drink over it, especially when there’s many forms of insect life to fan. Erica tells them that she’s going to have to move to Murica if she and Stephanie are going to be together in the long run, but if it doesn’t work out they’ll still have all those new followers.
“Like 4,000? Like 4,000 new friends?” Big Ed asks.
Erica looks back on what made her fall in love with Stephanie, who isn’t just another blondish big-boob woman talking about sex on the internets; she’s a blondish big-boob woman talking about sex on the internet who doesn’t apologize for who she is. We call this Meghan Trainor feminism. Erica has always known she’s bisexual, but there are so few gay people in Port Augusta that her only option was an import. Erica is nervous about coming out to her family for the first while Stephanie is in town, even though they’re open minded and already suspect she likes dicks and chicks. Eager for additional insight, the producers press the pals for opinions.
“There’s a lot of bugs here,” Friend 1 and Friend 2 say. “And there’s a road. That one, I guess, though I don’t see why you couldn’t just drive straight across this field. Now if you don’t mind, we need to get back to our chairing.”
In the airport Stephanie waffles back and forth between mask embarrassment and mask necessity, before busting out the makeup remover wipes for a proper waiting area whore’s bath. She spots Erica on the way down the escalator, and she’s waiting in a candy heart dress with pineapple cookies that makes Stephanie question her decision to wear a bile-colored wraparound dress all over again. Stephanie declares that she feels like she’s arriving in slow motion, and they warmly embrace and don’t kiss because Stephanie isn’t sure what the protocol is, or how down she is for PDA if it isn’t an announcement across the airport. They’re giggling like mad as they wrestle with the complexities of hand holding, and who smells and who doesn’t. Stephanie admits that she’s nervous about having sex after a long stint of intentional celibacy, that has nothing in common with the celibacy of David or Ed.
Next week, Lisa keeps up her love-bullying and tries to determine the guest list as Usman’s premiere party, Erica’s underwear is on full display before she gets uncomfortable at Stephanie’s suggestion of bathroom sexy time, Ed tries to locate Rose to he can whine anew, and Darcey takes another exhausting tittie outfit out for a spin around Tom’s balls.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!

News roundup for the previous week.
In International news

1. "I fully understand the 'one China policy,' but I don't know why we have to be bound by a 'one China policy' unless we make a deal with China having to do with other things, including trade," Trump said on an interview with Fox News Sunday (Taiwan pawn confirmed)
   
2. Human Rights Watch Rated Among Least Transparent Think Tanks In US
   
3. "I don't know why we have to be bound by a 'one China' policy unless we make a deal with China having to do with other things, including trade" China's response was measured but clear: co-operation with the US "would be out of the question" if Trump doesn't adhere to the 'one China' policy (NO DEAL)
   
4. Vietnam’s fertile ‘rice bowl’ threatened by climate shifts, Chinese dams
   
5. Why China is cosying up to Latin America: closer engagement with Latin American countries coincides with a US president-elect who has vowed to scrap regional trade deals, build a wall on the Mexico border and deport undocumented immigrants
   
6. Was China's latest UN veto payback for Trump bluster on Taiwan, trade? The Chinese veto over Syria caught the United States and other U.N. Security Council members off guard
   
7. China-Championed Asia Trade Pact Gains Traction in Jakarta Talks: The 16 nations seeking the Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership accelerated their efforts during talks this week as rising protectionism threatens a system that has lifted hundreds of millions of Asians out of poverty
   
8. If Donald Trump Pushes on Taiwan, How China Could Push Back: Trade and Investment, North Korea, Climate Change, Taiwan and Iran
   
9. U.S. says 'one China' policy should not be used as bargaining chip: White House spokesman said the U.S. is committed to the “one China" principle. Senator John McCain said he personally backed the “China policy” and no one should “leap to conclusions” that the president-elect would abandon it
   
10. Japanese reporters interview Putin, compares Japan with China: “With China we have the highest volume of bilateral trade and continue to liberalize our trade relations. Meanwhile, Japan imposed economic sanctions against us. Do you see the difference?”
    
11. Fiorina, reportedly considered for national intelligence director, calls China 'most important adversary'
    
12. Philippine president says he'll accept China arms offer: he'll send military officials to China to receive the firearms, which will be payable over 25 years
    
13. Cambodia and China are moving beyond agreements made last April to upgrade their bilateral cooperation in security, counter-terrorism and prevention of cybercrime
    
14. South Africa: Chinese Enterprises Help Improve Living Standards of South Africans. By the end of 2015, Chinese investment in South Africa reached about 13 billion U.S. dollars. The Chinese enterprises employed more than 26,000 people in South Africa, of whom 24,000 were locals
    
15. Australia still committed to one-China policy despite Donald Trump’s remarks: Speaking after a speech in London this morning, Mr Pyne said Australia had a one-China policy and “we have not changed our view about that.”
    
16. French foreign minister says Trump's approach to China is 'not clever': The French foreign minister has described Donald Trump’s approach to China as “not very clever”, warning the US president-elect not to threaten or lecture Beijing as “we do not talk like that to a partner”
    
17. Merkel says Germany to stick to 'one China' policy: "We still stand by a 'one China' policy and we will not change our stance,"
    
18. China Russia’s Main Partner, Level of Trust Between Beijing, Moscow High: "Absolutely," Putin told the Nippon TV channel and the Yomiuri newspaper, answering the question whether China is Russia’s most important partner
    
19. China starts cargo service linking Guangdong, Tibet and Nepal
    
20. Feng came from five strokes behind to win her fourth Omega Dubai Ladies Masters title in five years in blustery conditions at Emirates Golf Club. Not only is this a record best ever comeback in this tournament, but it also extends Shanshan’s own record of most wins here to four since 2012
    
21. Iranian and Chinese Universities Seal Deal to Work on Joint Scientific Projects
    
22. Chinese directors win top prizes at Marrakesh film festival
    
23. China warns Taiwan over independence after Trump call: opposing Taiwan independence splittism is firm, Taiwan Affairs Office spokesman said. "We have unshakable willpower, ample confidence, and sufficient capability," he said. "Facts will show those people that 'Taiwan independence' is a dead end."
    
24. Consensus within Obama administration is that Trump not fully aware of potential backlash from Beijing over questioning "one China" policy. The hope is that by time Trump takes over he will recognize that China has advanced so far that it is unwise to pick fights over such a bedrock principle
    
25. Chinese Community Angry by Mugged Student's Death in Rome: At the ceremony, some Chinese female students voiced fears about going around Rome alone. Foreigners have been easy prey for criminals
    
26. China, Australia Agree to Open Aviation Sectors to Each Other: China and Australia have agreed to remove all capacity restrictions for the airlines of each country, including traffic rights and code share arrangements
    
27. Zhang Zhilei: '2017 will be the biggest turning point in my life'. Chinese boxer Zhang Zhilei got closer to his dream Saturday, recording his 13th career win and ninth knockout. Zhang, middleweight Meng Fanlong and lightweight Wang Zhimin are roommates in New Jersey, training and eating together
    
28. Philippines' Duterte: 'bye-bye America' and we don't need your money. prepare for repeal of an agreement on deployment of troops and equipment for exercises. "We do not need the money. China said they will provide so many," he said. "The politics here in Southeast Asia is changing."
    
29. Xi Jinping’s ‘One Belt, One Road’ strategy is showing the way to a new world order: China has developed over 50 overseas economic and trade cooperation zones along the belt and road. China has expanded its bilateral local-currency swap programmes to 21 countries
    
30. Obama explains the risk of Trump's messing with China on Taiwan
    
31. Pakistan Forms Special Maritime Force to Secure Chinese-built Port, Projects: Top Pakistani civilian and military officials along with Chinese diplomats traveled to the port Tuesday to witness the inauguration of the "Task Force-88" raised by the Pakistan Navy
    
32. After Trump's win, China and Mexico move to deepen ties: Yang said in the meeting that China's comprehensive partnership with Mexico was "flourishing" day by day, adding that China wishes to deepen cooperation on trade, investment, resources, infrastructure and financial services
    
33. 'Unpresidented' Trump tweet on China sets off deluge of mockery (lol)
    
34. China Rising: Meet two fighters leading the MMA charge
    
35. China Agrees to Return Drone to US after Inspection
    
36. Trump: We should tell China that we don't want the drone they stole back.- let them keep it! (lol)
    
37. “When two elephants fight against each other, the grass always suffers,” said Yu-Fang Lin of the National Policy Foundation, a Taiwan-based think-tank, in an interview with the Washington Times.
    

In Domestic news

1. Shanxi produced nearly 1 billion tonnes of coal in 2015, accounting for about a quarter of China's total coal capacity. The local government has vowed to cut its annual coal capacity by a total of 110 million tonnes by 2020
   
2. Shanghai is racing to become China’s cultural capital, but rising rents push artists, small galleries and young would-be collectors out of the city
   
3. HK Localist lawmakers to take legal battle to Court of Final Appeal (but don't know who will pay for their HK$1.6 million in Court Deposits)
   
4. Reassessing the quality of government in China
   
5. Shanghai eases access for foreign talent: According to policy recently approved by Ministry of Public Security, senior overseas professionals will have easier access and spend less time when applying for permanent resident permits. New measures also include preferential policies for overseas Chinese
   
6. China closes largest Muslim website after Xi Jingping petition
   
7. For China’s State Media, Trump Victory Can’t Cure ‘American Disease’: “Mainstream Chinese views of the United States have shifted from admiration to doubt, especially after the financial crisis, and now increasingly to rejection of its values,” Shi Yinhong director of the Center for American Studies
   
8. Chinese Police to Be Given Authority to Block Internet Access: The draft requires police authorities at the county level to get approval from the provincial or central governments before controlling the Internet to deal with emergency situations
   
9. China’s president looks to universities, schools to uphold ideological conformity: Students intellectual, ideological, emotional and psychological makeup have not matured and they need guidance on where to put their efforts in life, who to love, how to appreciate things and what kind of person to be
   

In SciTech news

1. Tencent, a leading Chinese Internet company, is entering the race to advance AI with a new lab
   
2. Science’s rising stars: China’s researchers make big leaps in contributions to top journals
   
3. Tech companies team up to produce smart vehicles
   
4. China is narrowing the U.S. lead in cancer research: China now has more than 17% of the global share of cancer research publications, up from around 5% in the mid-2000s, and now matches the output of the U.S. in 2005, according to a just-published report from science publisher Elsevier
   
5. A Chinese Internet Giant Enters the AI Race: Tencent’s push into AI research reflects a broader shift across China’s consumer technology industry toward more fundamental research designed to spur real innovation
   
6. China one step closer to harnessing clean, limitless energy from nuclear fusion: Physicists view H-mode as an optimal working scenario for a future fusion power plant, and the one-minute breakthrough owed a great deal to the Chinese government’s heavy investment on fusion research in recent years
   
7. China Successfully Launches New Generation Weather Satellite
   
8. WeChat is schooling Facebook on dealing with fake news
   
9. First Dinosaur Tail Found Preserved in Amber: To scientists' delight, the appendage from 99 million years ago is covered in feathers. The research, led by paleontologist Lida Xing of the China University of Geosciences, was funded in part by the National Geographic Society's Expeditions Council
   
10. China Eyes Chip Market Amid Growing Demand: Over the next 10 years, its national and provincial governments plan to invest as much as an additional 720 billion renminbi ($104 billion) in its domestic semiconductor industry
    
11. China's space science centre unveils new missions after a breakthrough year: space-weather observatory mission with European Space Agency, global water cycle observation mission, Magnetosphere, Ionosphere and Thermosphere mission, Einstein Probe, and the Advanced Space-based Solar Observatory
    
12. Chinese scientist honored for successful leukemia treatment using arsenic
    
13. How Trump’s visa crackdown could help Hong Kong and China’s tech hubs
    
14. Researchers from China and the U.S. has found evidence of ancient weathering in a glacial deposit in China's Hunan province. Paper published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences outlines evidence of acid rain that might help development of more advanced life forms on our planet.
    
15. The Top Chinese Web, Mobile App Design, and UX Trends For 2017
    
16. Chinese scientists print out living blood vessels: Using bio-ink made of living stem cells from a Rhesus monkey, researchers are able to print layers of new cells to fuse with old ones
    
17. Researchers have identified neutralizing antibodies against Zika virus from an infected patient that fully protected mice from infection, adding to the current arsenal of antibodies in development for much needed antiviral therapies and vaccines.
    
18. Whole genome of the tiger tail seahorse (Hippocampus comes) was sequenced for the first time and the latest study was published as a cover story in Nature.
    
19. China Launches 8th Operational Weather Satellite; How Advanced Is It Compared with American, European Counterparts? Fengyun 4A is as advanced as the newest weather satellites developed by the United States, Europe and Japan. It is able to detect change of 0.1 Celsius on the ground
    
20. Pioneering Nanotechnology Developed To Capture Energy From People: contributors to the research included doctoral scholars Wei Li, David Torres, and Tongyu Wang, as well as Chuan Wang, assistant professor of electrical and computer engineering at the MSU
    
21. EmDrive: Dr Chen Yue, head of the communication satellite division at China Academy of Space Technology confirmed CAST has developed an EmDrive and tests to verify that the device can fly are already being carried out. This technology is currently in the latter stages of the proof-of-principle phase
    
22. 2016 in news The science events that shaped the year
    
23. The Chinese government has designated May 30 of each year "Sci-Tech Workers' Day" to honor the country's 81 million science and technology (S&T) workers
    
24. Behold A Robot Hand With A Soft Touch: in the past, for a robotic hand to sense what it's holding or touching, it had to conduct electricity. Now it just has to conduct light, says Huichan Zhao, doctoral candidate in mechanical engineering at Cornell
    
25. Transplanted brain cells calm fear: Yong-Chun Yu at Fudan University in Shanghai, China. Mice that receive neuron transplants are better at forgetting fearful memories than those without transplants
    

In Economic news

1. More and more American companies have decided their big China opportunity is over: "The trend is that opening retail business on the ground in China as a foreigner is difficult and expensive,"
   
2. ‘Better Food, Better Service’: China’s Airlines Fly Past U.S. Rivals on Pacific Routes: “Chinese airlines are going to be as dominant, if not more dominant, than the big three U.S. carriers within the next decade,” said John Grant, a UK-based aviation industry consultant
   
3. Wanda Boss Warns On U.S. Anti-China Protectionism - 20,000 Americans are employed by Wanda
   
4. 'I have absolutely no idea what this is': Inside the real Santa’s workshop in China where workers produce most of the world's festive decorations
   
5. Australian mining magnate Gina Rinehart and a Chinese consortium won final approval to buy one of the world's biggest cattle estates, ending a lengthy and fraught sale process
   
6. Made in China 2025 - Papers on China - Publications
   
7. Chinese Airlines Are Flooding the World With Super-Cheap Airfares: From Delta Air Lines Inc. and American Airlines Group Inc. in the U.S., to Cathay Pacific Airways Ltd. and Korean Air, many operators are feeling the squeeze from the extended reach of mainland Chinese carriers
   
8. Here's why we should worry that China is no longer the top holder of US bonds ("We need [China] to finance our debts and deficits" in the United States)
   
9. China's Housing Market Isn't a Bubble, Says This Strategist
   
10. Developers, funds target China demand for co-working space amid start-up boom: China is facilitating the development of new industries and services to transform the economy. Beijing and Guiyang provide rental subsidies to startups, while Suzhou in eastern China plans to have 300 incubators by 2020
    
11. In Shadow of Amazon, European Challenger Looks to China for Inspiration
    

In Military news

1. Chinese military aircraft circled near Taiwan on Saturday for the second time in less than a month: six of its military aircraft -- two H-6K bombers, one TU-154 surveillance aircraft, one Y-8 surveillance plane and two Su-30 fighters
   
2. China upgrades force projection doctrine: New military bases under construction in the South China Sea provide Beijing with “significant capacity to quickly project substantial offensive military power in the region,” according to an intelligence assessment
   
3. China’s spies gain valuable US defense technology:“In recent years, Chinese agents have extracted data on some of the most advanced weapons and weapons systems in the US arsenal, such as jet fighters and unmanned submersible vehicles” annual report of US-China Economic and Security Review Commission
   
4. China powers up military jet engine tech to wean itself off Russian imports
   
5. Oddly Winged Xianglong Aerial Drone to Guide Chinese Missiles to US Navy Warships: Xianglong (Soar Dragon) High-Altitude, Long-Endurance (HALE) aerial drones are about to enter service
   
6. China Prepares for Anti-Satellite Missile Test: DN-3 preparing for launch. PLA acquiring range of technologies to improve counterspace capabilities Pentagon’s latest report said. In addition to missiles and lasers, China also working on maneuvering satellites that can grab and destroy satellites
   
7. Chinese Air Patrol Exercise Goes ALL the Way Around Taiwan For the 1st Time, Expose Lack of Defense on Taiwan's East Coast
   
8. Decoding China's home-developed drone Wing Loong: Wing Loong II UAS is 11 meters long, 4.1 meters high, with a wing span of 20.5 meters. Its maximum flight altitude reaches 9,000 meters and maximum flight speed is 370 km per hour, with a loiter time of 20 hours and maximum payload of 480kg
   
9. Chinese scientists show how to extend range of quantum radar
   
10. Japan (and US) Tried to "steal"/Spy on PLA jets' radar frequency amid harassment (BTW, Taiwan Confirmed that Japan SDF did Fire Jamming Shells)
    
11. China appears to have installed weapons, including anti-aircraft and anti-missile systems, on all seven of the artificial islands it has built in the SCS. "They could deploy jets and missiles tomorrow if they wanted to...infrastructure in place for interlocking rings of defence and power projection"
    
12. Zim, China to boost military ties | The Herald
    
13. Chinese navy seizes American underwater drone in South China Sea
    
14. China's 28th & 29th Type 056 Corvettes (Jiangdao class) Commissioned in PLAN East Sea Fleet
    
15. Chinese Navy Holds Live Ammunition Drill for Aircraft Carrier Formation
    
16. Russia will provide to China the first batch of four Sukhoi-35 jets by December 25, 2016, a source within the system of military-technical cooperation with other countries told TASS
    

Other Notables

1. Online Fiction Becomes Chinese Cultural Force
   
2. Chinese Science Fiction Is the Future of Science Fiction
   
3. Google's Amazing Timelapse Reveals How Insanely Fast China Has Grown
   
4. Whitewashing controversy surrounding Zhang Yimou’s new film 'The Great Wall' goes unnoticed in China
   
5. What Happens When China Becomes Number One? Harvard Institute of Politics
   
6. Production video: 《九州海上牧雲記／Tribes and Empires-Storm of Prohecy》禮儀特輯 複現東方氣韻 【黄軒、周一圍、竇驍、王千源、蔣勤勤、徐璐、文咏珊、萬茜】
   
7. WWE's China hopes rest on Bin Wang's big shoulders: WWE, the $1.5 billion company known for big personalities and outrageous story lines, wants its Chinese wrestlers to be the next television sensation in China, a market where other U.S. media companies have faltered
   
8. Trump: National Sovereignty, SCS, Stopping US Hegemony in Asia Non-Negotiable
   
9. DJI – Shanghai Flagship Store
   
10. the Truth behind the "Anti-Chinese" riots in Indonesia and anti-Chinese discrimination
    
11. Question: Most Intelligent Provinces?
    
12. Pictures: Huangshan Mountain in Anhui, China
    
13. American teacher and Chinese farmer cross class, language and cultural divide to find love
    
14. ‘Rogue One’ Early Buzz: The ‘Star Wars’ Spin-Off Exceeds Expectations "Star Wars fans will be very happy with #RogueOne. It's fun, action packed, doesn't feel neutered by reshoots. Donnie Yen and K2so standouts." - Peter Sciretta
    
15. Photographer Captures the Life of a Tajik Woman Married to a Chinese Migrant Worker
    
16. Meet Chris and Claudia, the Chinese American couple who opted for a traditional Tang dynasty-style wedding
    
17. China Holds Third Memorial Day to Commemorate Victims of Nanjing Massacre
    
18. Pictures: Malinghe River Canyon Scenic Area in China's Guizhou
    
19. Corporal Joseph Pierce, A Chinese American Union Soldier That Fought at Gettysburg and Antietam, 1865 [458x701]
    
20. 'People hope my book will be China's Star Wars': Liu Cixin on China's exploding sci-fi scene
    
21. Arthur Chin, Chinese Peruvian American, 1st US Fighter Ace in WWII
    
22. Chinese Online Novels Find Foreign Fans
    
23. Reconnecting Asia: 12 Maps Covering 12,000 Years of History
    
24. Gangster Chinese Businessman Spends $144,000 a Year to Care for His 150 Wolves
    
25. Should Chinese Opera Westernize to Find Global Audience? Popularizing the country’s musical tradition means combining mainstream appeal with traditional works
    
26. Why Jiang Rong's "Wolf totem" is literally complete fiction and historical revisionism at its worst
    
27. 大清藥丸 康熙說唱王朝 怒斥群臣 Kangxi Dynasty Rap
    
28. Great Wall debuts in China
    
29. Pictures: Jianmen Pass in Guangyuan, Sichuan, China
    
30. China's Capitalist Revolution | History Channel Documentary
    
31. Chinese Tribe Without Marriage Points to Future
    
32. The Women's Kingdom - PBS FRONTLINE Broadcast
    
33. The Place In China Where The Women Lead
    
34. BBC World Service - The Chinese women who rule the roost
    
35. Destined for War: Can China and the United States Escape Thucydides’s Trap?
    
36. How the US should engage China and Russia
    

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