I was asked to make a post about some stories within the Casino grounds so I thought I'd share. I have many so I'll do my best to pick the better ones.
Some back information: I've been a Casino Dealer for 11 years, I've been a supervisor for five years, and I've been a Surveillance Operator for one year. I've worked at three properties, none of which are connected or owned by the same company. I've worked on : Government/Private/Native American owned casinos.

From Hero to Zero.

At my first Casino, I was one of the first group of people who were trained to deal Roulette . After 4 weeks of working 6PM-3AM then doing roulette training from 3AM-8AM (Not paid) , I actually really enjoyed the game and after about six months I became extremely quick at the number game and the pace of the action was steady with very low margin of errors. Young man walks in, cashes in for $500. He buys in for $2 chips and just loads the board. After a few spins and pretty decent hits, he then changes his chips from $2 to 5$ then to $10 and racks his winnings up to $10,000. It was then, five spins in a row, he loaded the board with some pretty gross bets, and every spin I would hit the ONE number with either NO CHIPS on it, or maybe 1 chip , He lost all $10,000 in a matter of minutes. He leaves , and I go on break. After my break I was going back to the same table and wouldn't you know it, the same young man walks in and cashes in another $500. He tells me he just sold his car outside and this is all that he had left. So we do the same deal, buys in for $2 chips, then slowly starts betting $5 chips, $10, $25...and he makes $10,000 AGAIN. Within the next 25 minutes it was straight agony. Every spin, same thing, he would bet $2500 in chips, and win only $250, $400, and after about a half hour he lost it all . Never saw the guy again.
2) Man down
At this property, we are 24 hours for table games. It's currently 5AM , and I'm dealing some $25 Blackjack to this guy. He's probably early thirties , heavy guy. He's sober as can be, but right away I can tell he's been losing. We know how much you've bought in for, how much your down, or up, and I could see he was down $2000+. After about twenty minutes of pure losing, his temper starts to flare.At this point I now have two other guests at my table. Drinking coffee, not saying a word, just losing their money. After losing hand, after hand, this guy looks me straight in the eye, seized up, starts shaking, he can't move. He tries to punch towards me and smashes his stack of chips all over the place and falls backwards to the floor. I call for security, we cannot touch him due to liability . I can't move from my table because, well, liability / casino cash property, all I can do is try to talk to him. As I'm doing so, these other two woman who are sitting at my table just look at me and one says "OK, dealer, cmon lets go " as she taps the table telling me to start dealing and forget about the guy having a stroke on the floor. As security takes him to the ambulance out front, I had to stay behind for a couple minutes and give a statement. I go on break. I come back, and 45 minutes later, he comes right back in with a oxygen tank and keeps gambling for the remainder of the morning.
3) You get a dildo, and YOU get a dildo!
On a late summer Saturday night, we had a large event for these massive muscle guys/strongman competition type thing. After their show, I'm at the roulette table , and five of these boys come over to play. They were absolutely hilarious. They were feeling pretty good, cashed in somewhat large amounts and I could tell this was going to be a fun time. After about a hour of dealing to these guys, it's almost midnight, everybody is pretty hammered , I spin the ball, and all five of these guys take out these god damn (what I can only tell was) two feet purple dildos from inside their pants, and wiping them around in the air. The ladies were just loving it, one of the dildos landed in the roulette wheel and we had to shut the table down to re-calibrate the wheel to make sure nothing had been changed. I just remember that night was so much damn fun, I couldn't believe what I was seeing and I would never forget it.
4) Full Moon
On this day, I was actually training dealers / supervising them on small games like Three Card poker. We opened the table at 10AM, and this older man came and sat down . He played all day. The jackpot was $21,000 and that was pretty high for this table. He played, and played and played. He's one of the players where you know he's wearing a diaper because he's been drinking coffee/pop all day and hasn't moved in eight hours. As the day went on, this man never moved from his chair. Getting closer to midnight, he was aggravated and said "I need to go have a smoke, I'm getting killed in here". He left, and the very next hand, the lady beside him was dealt the jackpot . He didn't say much, but you could just tell he just hated life at that very moment because had he not gotten up, it would of been his hand. The man calmly took his cane , his hat, jacket, coffee, and left. The next morning I found out when he did leave he drove his car straight through his bank and was arrested.
5) Slick Robber
I actually give props to people who can actually pull this off. This story may confuse you so I'll try and explain things as best as possible. A lot of casinos have machines as soon as you walk through the front doors. A man walks up to one of these machines and sticks in HIS $100 bill. He doesn't gamble it, instead he hits the cash out button and gets a $100 TITO ticket where he then takes the ticket to the ATM machine to get his $100. Now remember, his Original $100 is in the slot machine. He then takes the $100 from the ATM and goes back to the same machine, and repeats this process over a hundred times. Essentially he's taking money from the ATM, and loading up the Slot Machine . Now he knows he can't do it too much because if the slot machine gets full of money, the machine will shut down and the slow attendant will have to take all the cash out. So he deposits over $10,000 , then has a small crowbar, he cracks the machine open and makes a run out the front door. To my knowledge he was never caught . But damn, that was pretty smart .
EDIT:
6) Mental Health is a thing.
10PM man walks in to play some high limit BlackJack. This guy knows the game and played well. Dressed nice, drank juice/tea , a little bit of a attitude, cashed in over $10,000. When this man was half way down his buy in, he said something a long the lines of "If I don't win here tonight, I'm going to go set myself on fire." I wasn't sure if he was serious because when people are down, they tend to say a lot of nonsense. I actually left early that night, and from a third party was told he did exactly that in the parking lot. The next day it was clear something terrible had gone wrong in the parking lot .
EDIT:
7) Nothing good happens after midnight
After a busy Saturday night, I was dealing a mix of games, and during this story I was in the middle of Blackjack. I had one young kid (probably 19) sitting in the middle, one older male probably in his later 40's sitting beside him on his right, and I had a really nice couple in their 20's sitting together at the other side. This young kid wasn't playing just sort of watching, and ever time the old man won he would give this young guy some of his winnings. The older man, was a wine drinker, and he had black between all of his teeth, I'll never forget. He's a little drunk but nothing terrible. As the night goes on, the older man goes and uses the washroom, at which point the couple asked the young guy "Oh was that your dad?" and the young guy says "Hah, no I wish!". The couple and I just looked at each other. This old guy, was in complete control over this kid. Absolutely disgusting. The night ends, and I find out the couple called a few of their friends, and they all waited outside by this old mans truck and beat the living hell out of him. 40 years old, sleeping with a 19 year old, completely brain washed . Very weird.
8) That one co-worker where you just wish they would quit.
One of our co-workers, nice guy but had a very big ego and we as employees just sorta left him alone. One day he had enough of the atmosphere and quit. Now usually when you quit, you cannot come back until you paperwork is finalized. How ever, HR was in that day, and he was given the paperwork the very next day. He came in, cashed in $1000, and made $50,000 in about a hour at the Baccarat table. My manager, was extremely annoyed, because now this guy is just mocking the casino and having the time of his life (Thanks for the big tip by the way :) ) and so he decides to call it quits. He wants to ban himself and he wants $50,000 in cash. The casino says Nope, we are going to give you a cheque. Now here's the thing, most business people will take the cheque, how ever you CANT CASH the cheque until the following monday because it's on that day where the funds are available. The casino on the other hand will cash their own check in anytime , because they want you to play. So this guy pretty much said go to hell I want my cash, and he called the police. Police show up, and management promptly gave him the cash.I though it was absolutely hilarious .

9) No good deed goes un punished
I was dealing Three Card Poker, and the jackpot was around $17,000. This old man (a regular) was sitting there all day grinding it out. Super nice guy, always a pleasure to deal to. Well, after hours of playing, he stands up and says "Hey john!, can you come here for a minute?" so his buddy John comes over. He says to John "I need to go take a piss real quick, can you play my card until I get back?" John agrees . John takes the chips and I stop him and explain he can't play his friends chips, he needs to cash in and play his own. And he does. Welp, second hand out and bam, doesn't he win it. The old man comes back and is so happy, he can't believe it. John, took his $17,000, didn't say a word to his "buddy" and walked away. I never felt so much hatred in all my life. Didn't give him a dollar, not a thank you, nothing. The old man sits back down again, the progressive resets to $2500, and he sat there grinding away again.
10) The Top Knot
I had this player , young guy, who was born into a fortune. One of his relatives passed away and left him a pretty big sizable amount of money, so he played poker every single day for the rest of his days. I will add, he IS a good player. I did not enjoy his company just because of the "Know-it-All" attitude, but he was good. We'll call him John. John is 5'10, and well build, with muscle. John also decided today was the day to show off his Top Knot. (google top knot if you're not sure what I mean) So he sits down, and he's absolutely KILLING the table. Every hand, after hand, after hand. And because he's in such a good mood, he's playing any two cards, calling any $500 bet, and he's just dominating. This one guy at the table decided he had enough. He got up, without saying a word and left. A moment later, he comes back in, walks behind John, and takes a pair of scissors , and cuts off his Top Knot. I for one couldn't believe it, dying laughing inside, and it just turned into one big brawl. That was a good day.
11) That one bad seed
One of my best friends who I haven't seen in YEARS ended up being part of the crew. Was kind of nice to catch up. We never really got along as we grew up because he has a very high picture of himself . He wanted that 10/10 woman. A mansion, and a new Corvette. So every month or so we would all go up to the other casino to play. I myself would bring no more than $500, but I couldn't understand how this guy (we'll call him Kyle) was spending THOUSANDS of dollars at the tables. So this wen on for a few months. Well, one day, as we're closing the casino, he and I are in the High Limit room and we're getting ready to close the tables. We are told to take the chips out, count them, put them back, sign this piece of paper and that's it. Well as the supervisor was locking the tray, the piece of paper fell to the floor, so she asked Kyle to grab the piece of paper. As he bends over, a great big $500 chip falls right out of his sock. Kyle was fired immediately , but it all made sense. They offered Kyle a deal where if he replaced all the stolen chips they would not make it public. Not sure how that turned out.
12) If I ever decide to write a book, this will be the last chapter: <3
After working at my first Casino for five years, I met a Indian woman who was visiting from another part of the country. During this time I was explaining a game to her, which honestly I don't think she even cared. She explained she was visiting and sight seeing , and that was that.Well, two years later I ended up moving to the other side of the country and transferred casinos, and low and behold she worked there as a Dealer. We got married , and it's been 5 years.
13) The Tip
One of our tables that we've had for a couple years had a progressive jackpot that had reached $100,000. The dealer at the table was sitting pretty lonely. Nobody really played the game because people knew it was extremely difficult to win the jackpot. My memory is a tad foggy, but you somehow needed to flop the royal flush. This young guy sits down and says to the dealer, we'll call him John. "John, if you pay me that jackpot, I will tip you $10,000" Well John started dealing, and about a half hour into his shift, he F*cking did it. He dealt him the royal. And you know something?This young lad, kept his word, and he made sure there was a audience, and he tipped exactly $10,000. That was a moment right there. That pay cheque was real nice. I think we all got about $500 more than usual. The moment that jackpot was awarded they got rid of the table because the money it was making was not near what the casino wanted. I'm sure there have been bigger tips at other casinos, but that was something special .
14) The Lawsuit
Now this story I'm going to have to beat around the bush a bit due to the nature of what happened. I can't won't answer any questions that you may have on this topic other than what I have to say because it had a lot of publicity . The waitresses at this casino had to wear very thin sexy clothes. Not borderline legal, but it was noticed. One day they called all the waitresses to come in and explained they were changing their outfit to something even more sexier. Now these new dresses were very very borderline legal . The staff said No way. We're not wearing that.So , friday night comes, and the staff work their whole shift, then at the end of their shift were called into a meeting and were all fired. Welp, one of those ladies father was a pretty big time lawyer. Brough the casino to court and won. They won big. Good for them. We had no waitresses for a couple days haha.
Thanks for reading along, I have many more I can add as the day goes on, those were just some off the top of my head. Feel free to ask any questions of the Casino industry. I don't really have many stories about the surveillance department because that's the one area where I can't really say a whole lot due to its privacy and contracts I was and still am under.

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Kickstarter Roundup: September 31, 2020 | 25+ Ending Soon (including: Mercado de Lisboa) & 20+ New This Week (including: Outsmarted)

What this is:

This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter board game projects that are either:

newly posted in the past 7 days, or
ending in the next 7 days (starting Sep 14) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.

All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (The occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!)
Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between midnight and noon PST.

Ending Soon

Project Info	Players	Backers	Min / Avg Pledge	Ends	Comments
Cradle of Civilization Two games in one that play through the ancient civilizations of the Near East and the fall of the Persian Empire. // Has raised $9,165 of $2,500 so far. (~367%) ☑	3 - 6	110	$65 / $83	Sep 13	kicktraq
BIRDIE! Expansion Pack - Two new courses! Two new courses in a BIRDIE! Expansion Pack. Get ready to roll with us again! // Has raised $22,859 of $7,500 so far. (~305%) ☑		476	$ / $48	Sep 13	kicktraq #expansion
Biblios Q&P + Dr Finn's 2021 games Dr. Finn's 2021 line of games, including Biblios: Quill and Parchment, Nanga Parbat, Mining Colony, and Butterfly Garden (2nd edition). // Has raised $70,862 of $40,000 so far. (~177%) ☑	varies	1058	$23 / $67	Sep 14	kicktraq
VT Heroes: Deck-Building Fighting Card Game A fast-paced, Deck-Building Fighting Card Game themed in the genre of tokusatsu (à la Power Rangers)! Nostalgia meets arcade fighting! // Has raised $9,677 of $500 so far. (~1935%) ☑	2	82	$40 / $118	Sep 14	kicktraq
Long Live the King A Game of Secrecy and Subterfuge - Secret Identities, Social Deduction, and Murder... // Has raised $9,274 of $500 so far. (~1855%) ☑	4 - 8	271	$25 / $34	Sep 15	kicktraq
This Game Gets You Drunk (and Smashed) The drinking party game that gets you and your friends drunk in 20mins or less! // Has raised A$9,567 of A$2,000 so far. (~478%) ☑	1+	207	$14 / A$46	Sep 15	kicktraq
Skirmish: Wallet Friendly Wargaming A budget tactics wargame that uses things you already own for game pieces. // Has raised £3,309 of £700 so far. (~473%) ☑	2 - ?	179	$20 / £18	Sep 16	kicktraq
Thalara: The Last Artifacts A fast-paced, highly interactive, asymmetric hand-building strategy card game with low luck and a unique twist! // Has raised €9,251 of €5,120 so far. (~181%) ☑	2 - 4	345	$15 / €27	Sep 16	kicktraq
*Shtty Werewolf Like the classic social party game Werewolf, but shittier. // Has raised $6,976 of $420 so far. (~1661%) ☑**		572	$8 / $12	Sep 16	kicktraq
Politraces business game about politics // Has raised $399 of $99 so far. (~403%) ☑	2 - 4	6	$99 / $67	Sep 16	kicktraq #lolwut
Who are the legends Who are the Legends? is a fast-paced, competitive, educational card game not just for kids but for all ages. // Has raised $2,707 of $1,400 so far. (~193%) ☑	2 - 4	60	$28 / $45	Sep 17	kicktraq #take2
The Latin Quarter Gaming Chips Gaming Chips and Playing Cards // Has raised $17,005 of $5,000 so far. (~340%) ☑		163	$65 / $104	Sep 17	kicktraq #bling
The Belgian Beers Race - Boardgame Have a crazy race through Belgium and its breweries. // Has raised €57,103 of €15,000 so far. (~381%) ☑	2 - 4	786	$60 / €73	Sep 17	kicktraq
Die of the Dead Guide souls back to the land of the living in this Día de Muertos themed dice game featuring beautiful components and unique gameplay. // Has raised £30,408 of £7,000 so far. (~434%) ☑	2 - 5	1235	$35 / £25	Sep 17	kicktraq
ICE CREAM YOU SCREAM! The Family Game of Dice, Holiday Gift! 5th Kickstarter!! Previous Projects We Love also available: ICE CREAM EMPIRE, WHISKEY BUSINESS!, BREW HA HA!, & READ BETWEEN THE WINES! // Has raised $14,217 of $20,000 so far. (~71%)	2 - 6	205	$40 / $69	Sep 17	kicktraq
Runes of Zun: Strategy Card Game A game of tricky traps, killer combos, and sudden betrayals. // Has raised $6,319 of $5,000 so far. (~126%) ☑	2 - 4	183	$ / $35	Sep 17	kicktraq
GOLAZO The fast paced football board game that puts you at the centre of the action. Choose your tactics, make your moves and take the shot. // Has raised £13,002 of £9,999 so far. (~130%) ☑	2	419	$32 / £31	Sep 17	kicktraq
The North: Provenance A combo building card game for two set in a cold, dark future. Strikingly Illustrated by Aaron Nakahara & Designed by John Clowdus. // Has raised $9,240 of $6,000 so far. (~154%) ☑	2	322	$25 / $29	Sep 17	kicktraq
The Science Lab Memory Game: A STEM Initiative Round 2 A good old-fashioned memory game with a science lab twist. Lets get our kids and youth curious in science! // Has raised C$1038 of C$1000 so far. (~104%) ☑	1+	25	$ / C$42	Sep 17	kicktraq #take2
Deck of Wonders A solo (and co-op) legacy card game where Fate herself has stacked the deck against you. // Has raised $40,768 of $20,000 so far. (~204%) ☑	1 - 2	1151	$35 / $35	Sep 17	kicktraq
Mercado de Lisboa A thinky filler game by Julián Pombo and Vital Lacerda with artwork by Pedro Soto // Has raised $109,751 of $25,000 so far. (~439%) ☑	1 - 4	3773	$34 / $29	Sep 18	kicktraq
Galaxy Hunters Pick your merc, customize your mech, and compete against 2 to 4 players in a fierce rivalry to be the top mutant hunter in the system. // Has raised $80,299 of $80,000 so far. (~100%) ☑	2 - 4	921	$79 / $87	Sep 18	kicktraq
Knights Of NorthRnd A 2-6 player, fast place, last man standing card game, based on the concept of Rock Paper Scissors // Has raised £1,205 of £2,000 so far. (~60%)	2 - 6	43	$12 / £28	Sep 19	kicktraq #take3
Pocket-Tactics A modular miniature tactics board game with traditional print-and-play and 3d-printing options. // Has raised $10,358 of $1,000 so far. (~1036%) ☑	2+	414	$5 / $25	Sep 19	kicktraq
Kingdom of Aros Kingdom of Aros is a RPG boardgame. Ever played games like Zelda this could be for you. Including special Kids rules and parts. // Has raised €8,808 of €500 so far. (~1762%) ☑		283	$31 / €31	Sep 19	kicktraq

New This Week

Project Info	Players	Backers	Min / Avg Pledge	Ends	Comments
2020: THE BOARD GAME - Game of ups and downs -- mainly downs An instant classic. Play this game with future grandkids and reminisce about the bad old days. Who can escape 2020 the quickest? // Has raised $937 of $12,000 so far. (~8%)		23	$25 / $41	Oct 10	#lolwut
Arcana Magica A 2-4 people fast, tactical competitive board game. It combines gorgeous Poker and Tarot cards with 7 dice in a battle between armies. // Has raised €4,586 of €13,600 so far. (~34%)	2 - 4	105	$43 / €44	Oct 02
Assault on the Marmot King - Flip&Write Game Assault on the Marmot King is a flip-and-write game, in PnP format,of square puzzle, patterns and road building. // Has raised €1,115 of €250 so far. (~446%) ☑	1 - 5	181	$3 / €6	Sep 28
Asunder Board Game Addictive worker placement strategy game with cooperative battle mechanics that offers rewarding variability and high replay value. // Has raised $8,195 of $10,000 so far. (~82%)	2 - 5	59	$79 / $139	Oct 08
Compound Chicken - a card game A card game to add meaning to your life! // Has raised $1,206 of $3,500 so far. (~34%)		37	$15 / $33	Oct 08	#take2
Dreidel Revolution It's a miracle! Dreidel games you'll actually enjoy. A new spin on a Hanukkah classic! // Has raised $3,128 of $5,000 so far. (~63%)	3 - 6	56	$25 / $56	Oct 08
Feudal Endeavor (Kickstarter Exclusive) Build an impressive fiefdom in the era of Catherine the Great! A game of hidden bidding, tableau building and simultaneous actions. // Has raised C$3008 of C$12900 so far. (~23%)	3 - 6	61	$40 / C$49	Oct 02	#take3
Ghosts on Oak Island An exciting board game for 2 to 6 players. Outwit and out speed other pirates & overcome various perils to get the treasure! // Has raised $2,132 of $3,200 so far. (~67%)	2 - 6	26	$45 / $82	Oct 09
Ghoullotine A Halloween and Blackjack inspired card game. // Has raised $1,337 of $997 so far. (~134%) ☑	2 - 10	37	$20 / $36	Oct 08	#take2
Hike It! Smoky Mountain Edition Experience the thrills & challenges of backpacking in the Smoky Mountains as you compete with other hikers for the most experiences. // Has raised $2,805 of $58,000 so far. (~5%)	2 - 4	83	$29 / $34	Oct 21
Katootsie!© - The Exciting NEW Party Game! (Updated Project) Welcome to the updated Kickstarter page for Katootsie!© The exciting NEW party game that relies on quick-thinking word savvy! // Has raised $2,021 of $3,500 so far. (~58%)	2 - 10	47	$25 / $43	Sep 22	#take2
Last Days of Athobrae - Final Countdown A strategy, resource gathering game where the planet falls to pieces beneath your feet, and the first to build a ship and escape wins! // Has raised $6,425 of $4,750 so far. (~135%) ☑	2 - 5	71	$59 / $90	Sep 22
Manipulated Paths A 1v1 Dungeon making deck building card game. // Has raised $46 of $8,500 so far. (~1%)	2	3	$27 / $15	Oct 10
Monsters on Board A spooky dice-drafting game with custom dice, 3D cardboard cars and colorful monster minis // Has raised $97,540 of $30,000 so far. (~325%) ☑	1 - 4	1493	$54 / $65	Sep 30
Outsmarted - The Revolutionary TV Quiz Show Board Game! Feel the pressure.. Rack your brains.. Beat the clock.. Ground-breaking, immersive & thrilling gameplay for 2 to 24 players. Ages 8+ // Has raised £60,950 of £20,000 so far. (~305%) ☑	2 - 24	2210	$30 / £28	Oct 11
Plunder Wars A game of luck, quick thinking and treachery! // Has raised £421 of £200 so far. (~210%) ☑	2 - 4	23	$18 / £18	Oct 10
ROBOTS! A casual strategy card game for 2-5 players Try to build powerful robots while players interfere with construction efforts. It's a simple game with many different ways to win. // Has raised $1,260 of $1,000 so far. (~126%) ☑	2 - 5	28	$29 / $45	Oct 20
Rus' A 2-4 player game of secret identities and estate building! Climb the classes and deceive your way into royalty! // Has raised $6,859 of $18,000 so far. (~38%)	2 - 4	105	$34 / $65	Oct 08
SSO: The Rage of Montalbano 1-6 Players, 90 Minutes, Age 14+. Co-operate, betray, survive. // Has raised £4,141 of £7,500 so far. (~55%)	1 - 6	151	$16 / £27	Oct 09	#expansion
The North: Provenance A combo building card game for two set in a cold, dark future. Strikingly Illustrated by Aaron Nakahara & Designed by John Clowdus. // Has raised $9,240 of $6,000 so far. (~154%) ☑	2	322	$25 / $29	Sep 17
The Reckoners: Steelslayer An expansion to the cooperative board game based on the books by Brandon Sanderson. // Has raised $184,262 of $50,000 so far. (~369%) ☑	1 - 6	2115	$59 / $87	Oct 01	#expansion
Trapped in Time - Monthly Envelope Escape Room A fantastic adventure every month in your mailbox. // Has raised €14 of €2,500 so far. (~1%)	1 - 4	3	$12 / €5	Oct 19
Trump The World Beat Trump at his own game by pointing out what is true and what is not ! // Has raised C$161 of C$1000 so far. (~16%)	3+	5	$19 / C$32	Oct 10	#lolwut
TYPE 7: Solitaire and 2 Player Submarine Warfare It´s 1939. You possess authentic weapons and technology in a thrilling fog of war where every decision you take may be your last. // Has raised €17,063 of €3,000 so far. (~569%) ☑	1 - 2	109	$47 / €157	Oct 04

Need moar Kickstarter goodness?

Check out...

My Calendar of Announced Kickstarters (Also available in iCal flavor)
My interactive AirTable view of all active board game kickstarter campaigns.
BoardGameGeek's variety of Kickstarter-oriented Geeklists
Kicktraq's data-driven views

Footnotes

#hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
#lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like copycat games or campaigns put together with little thought. Check 'em out for amusement.
#take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
Did I miss something? Particularly something new in the last 7 days or ending in the next 7 days? Let me know in the comments and I'll add it in. ## Tip Jar If you enjoy these lists, maybe toss me a buck now and then. Signing up for a free AirTable account via my referral link can help, too. Plus, it's swell!

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Tales from the Gun Show: Independence Day Edition

Hello there internet! I know you've all missed me. I just worked the FABULOUS Baton Rouge gun show right here in the heart of cajun country, and have I got stories.
Do you want to hear stories about dealers selling $350 SCCY 9mm pistols? Or Magtech 9mm for $550/thousand? Or how I sold 14 guns in one day for a new PB on saturday? Or how I set my gross sales for a gun show weekend PB?
No. You don't want to hear that.
You clicked on this thread for the stories. And stories you are going to get!
My loadout was epic. Glocks, HK's, Sigs, Colt 6920's, Springfield Hellcats, you name it I had it in stock. And priced accordingly. I set everything up the night before and I had even more stuff to bring in Saturday morning.
The PA crackled and announced all guns should be tied and ready to go and at 9AM the masses came in looking for deals. And in some cases, they found some.
I had one guy saunter over looking for an S&W M&P 15-22. I only had two left in stock and not enough space on the tables for them. He says he'll take one sight unseen, I do his paperwork and get his money and tell him to show up at the show tomorrow and I'll have it ready for him to pickup. He's got his ID and everything together and it's smooth sailing. $500 in hundreds and he's on his way. I run him through the computer and I've got an instant approval. Woo.
My login screen warns me that background checks are taking 24 hours.
I had a feeling this would happen. I velcroed a small dry erase board to the wall just above my table that states: ALL BACKGROUND CHECKS ARE TAKING ________ MINUTES to be updated as the day gets weirder. I wipe off the minutes part and write "24 HOURS" in red dry erase marker.
I can hear the crowd behind me gasp and go "24 hours? I need a gun NOW!" in their heads and the pro salesman inside my noggin cracks a smile, leans back in the eames chair and puts his feet up on the ottoman. I have just implanted the most powerful driver of sales ever: fear.
Boy howdy, did it work.
The next hour is epic. I write ALL my Gen 5 Glock 19's up at $850. I am sold out by 11AM. Everything is flying off the table. Shield 9mm's, Stripped lowers, EZ shields, $300 Ruger LCP's, $700 Glock 43's.
What's the best $850 gun? An HK VP9, Glock 19 or Kel Tec Sub 2000? Fuck if I know. I sold one of each of them at that price.
It is nonstop asses and elbows and cash coming in left and right. I cannot count the money and run 4473's fast enough.
Noon flies by and I'm unable to touch my roast beef sandwich. I'm wearing gloves and a mask. This fucking mask SUCKS. It STINKS. It's brand new and it smells god-awful like someone used it to wipe their ass before packaging it and selling it in the store.
I don't shake anyones hand but I do count the money. The first lull hits at 1345. I ask my numismatist neighbor to watch the table as I go to the bathroom and wash my hands several times. I scarf down my sandwich fast and by 3PM things have calmed down. Crazy day. People asking me over and over for Taurus junk, Glock 43X's, Glock 48's, Glock 19 Gen 5's etc.
1: Hey do you have a Glock Generation 17?
FC: I will be dead in the cold cold ground before Glock ships a generation 17
1: Oh I meant a Glock 17
FC: right here
1: Are you seriously asking $850 for a Glock 17?
FC: Not asking. Getting.
I gesture to the person filling out a 4473 who has just asked me to write up a Glock 17 Generation 5 MOS for $850 and he nods with affirmation that that is in fact the price.
It is explained to this guy that there is not a single dealer in the ENTIRE GUN SHOW that has ANY glock pistols for sale from the 17 buyer since he's gotten here. I am the only one with inventory left. I debate hiking my prices another $50 but decide not to.
Some more folks saunter up
1: Do you have a ruger RS 9?
FC: ruger does not make an RS 9
1: Sure they do! It's called the service 9 now
FC: Can you google a photo for me?
1: I only use duckduckgo
FC: Fine, show me what an RS 9 looks like and let me see
(15 minutes of furious duckduckgoing ensues with no results)
FC: Are you sure it's an RS9?
1: I'm positive!
FC: Are you sure it couldn't be something else?
1: It's an RS9! I'm sure of it!
FC: Look at this
(FC shows image of Ruger SR9)
1: That's it!
FC: See how it says SR9?
1: Yeah, service 9 right?
FC: No, SR9 is SR9.
1: Then who makes the service 9?
FC: I don't think that's a thing.
1: Sure it is!
(More fuckfuckgo ensues, and it is abundantly clear that RS9 = SR9 = Service 9 = Security 9)
I have an old lady and her husband walk up and she picks up a Glock 19. Asks me if I take trades. I say sure.
1: It's a ruger revolver.
FC: What model?
1: Ruger
FC: No, what model? You're saying hey, I own a ford.
1: Oh okay. It's a Ruger 38. It shoots 38.
FC: I need a little more than that. What kind is it.
1: Oh I see. It's a revolver.
FC: Your statement is like "hey, I need an oil filter. I have a ford car" - ford makes lots of cars, ruger makes lots of guns.
1: What would a model sound like?
FC: SP101, GP100, Single 6, 22/45, SR22, LC9
1: Oh I have no idea what it is
FC: Bring it in and I'll take a look. But I only trade when I can make money.
Wrote a Sig 1911 up for $1000 as my last sale of the day. I head home, I am beat.
My neighbors took advantage of the fireworks store and their buy one get 9 free special and have enough mortars and bottle rockets to simulate Falliujah, circa 2004. They're shooting fireworks well past 1AM. Fuck me to tears.
Day 2
I wake up late and get to the show late. I kick off the show 15 minutes late and I have a guy trying to buy a Glock 19 from me. His ID does not have his current address and does not match up with the 4473. He asks if it will be a problem. I say it's no problem just get me something with your current address on it before the firearm releases.
1: But the dealer on the other side of the hall had NO PROBLEM taking this ID!
FC: I've made a living on my attention to detail. The federal regulation book says you need current ID.
1: Never mind! Gimme my ID back!
He snatches the clipboard and rips his ID from the board and walks away in a huff. His girl tries to apologize. I roll my eyes. Not my circus, not my elephants.
The morning starts off slow, I'm sleepy but it's not a total snoozefest. A very nice lady came by and picked up a PWS Mod 2 without argument on the price,
I wrote up another couple guns before lunch. One person has the WORST HANDWRITING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I mean, it's bad. I emailed my brother who works as a pharmacist and said "hey, can you read this?" and he said "It looks like it says 492 milligrams of penicilin? what am I reading?"
Yeah.
The rest of the show goes on, I write up a few more glocks and I deliver everything that I wrote yesterday once the background checks come back. Everyone is super nice and polite. One lady stops by and she cannot decide between the Glock 17 Gen 5 MOS and the Sig P238. She asks if she can get a deal on both.
I look up at her and her life partner and this is the precise moment I was waiting for all weekend.
You see gentle readers... some guys like to go get drunk and party. Others like to hang glide or skydive. They like that adrenaline rush. Me? I like the deals. I love to make deals. Nobody makes deals like this America. Nobody. Not China. Not Crooked Hillary. Not Lyin Ted Cruz. Believe me, these deals are going to make America great again. You will be sick and tired of the deals that I make. Unprecedented deals.
I gesture for her to come in a little closer and put on my best sotto voice.
FC: I don't normally do this, but just for you.......if you take both guns. I'll throw in one of these. I don't normally do this.
FC reaches under the table and pulls out a mega pack of Charmin Ultra Strong TP and places it on top of the PD trade in Glock 17's and 21's.
I slap the top of the package triumphantly.
FC: You two can have all the Chipotle you want with this bad boy!
1 looks at me with the "you cannot be serious" face
2 looks at me with the "you know this isn't a bad deal" face
1: Is this a joke?
FC: Nope! I'll write both of em up right now, you get the guns AND the TP!
1: This is......I don't even know what to think. Lisa?
2: That's Charmin.
1: Are you seriously considering this?
2: Everybody poops! Make the deal!
1 pulls out the Amex. I write up both the guns. They leave happy with their guns and TP. I'm sure it all fits in the back of the subaru outback.
I write up a few more items and near the end of the show, three guys show up. One is on the phone talking rapidly in a foreign language. He waves me over.
1: The police trade Glock 17's. This all you have?
FC: The three on the table is all I got.
1: I’ll take three of these Glock 17’s. Make me a deal.
FC: $2100 cash on all three.

CASH?

FC: Cash out the door.
1: Deal
(I hand over clipboard)
1, 2 and 3 begin talking in machine gun Romanian. 1 has taken a seat and 3 is filling out the paperwork. I say what the fuck. 3 keeps filling out the form. I rip it off the clipboard, Hand it to 1 and tell him to fill it out. He completes the form.
1: I only want one now
FC: you just said you wanted three
2: yeah If you’re not going to work a deal on three he only wants to buy one
Me: who is he?
1: I’m buying
Me: no, who’s the gun for?
2: it’s for his father
1: It's for me
FC: What?
1: it’s for me
2: It's for his father!
FC: then why isn’t your father here?
The looks on their faces tell me everything. They are shitty poker players. The phone and the machinegun romanian, he was a straw doing a buy on behalf of another party. I call shenannigans.
FC: These aren't for you are they?
1: They're for me!
2: They're for his father! come on! His father wants him to have a gun for him too
3: let’s get out of here we can take our money elsewhere gimme my id
Me: it’s not your ID, it’s 1’s ID. Who's ID is this?
3 tears the clipboard out of my hand, takes his ID off the board and I don’t speak Romanian but these guys are now pissed at me
Total people I’ve ticked off today: 4
I didn't choose this life. So now I've got a totally complete 4473 that I need to fill out for three PD trade Glock 17's. I look down at the address. It's three hours away.
It's in ATF Jane's district. You all remember ATF Jane?
Jane puts bad people in jail and likes Shake Shack. We get along SPLENDIDLY. In fact, I consulted her on the firearms/stalking/restraining order article I wrote about Megan and her Ex. She's a super professional federal law enforcement superstar in my book.
Well, time to make a call. I get her VM and leave her a message as I pack up everything and count my cash. 21 guns for the weekend. $13k in sales for one gun show at coronagunrun margins make me one happy boy.
My investments in the collapse of society are now paying dividends in spades!
I'm driving home and ATF Jane returns my call. I tell her the story about the Rumanian gypsy straw purchase ring I had to shutdown.
ATF: You have got to be shitting me
FC: Nope. The guys literally ran their mouth and made me shut it down.
ATF: What a bunch of idiots.
FC: Yeah, they were buying from a few dealers judging by their bags and their haul. I think there might be an investigation warranted.
ATF: Thanks for the tip! Let me know if I can help you out in any way!
I look down at my watch, it's 645PM and I'm too tired to cook tonight. I pull the F350 into the Olive Garden parking lot, head in for dinner and the place is PACKED.There's a few people in the bar but not too many, everyone wants tables. I can see other salesmen on their laptops so I know the wifi is up. This is a good sign. I take out my laptop and write this out in the bar from a high top as I feast on breadsticks and chicken gnocchi soup.
My phone rings halfway into my second bowl of creamy chicken gnocchi goodness.
FC: Go for Will
1: hey man, I saw your post on armslist
FC: Okay, how can I help you?
1: I need a gun. You got a glock fawty?
FC: What model? 22, 23, 27, 35 or what?
1: aw man you got more than one?
FC: I have four to five hundred guns for sale at any given moment. What are you looking for?
1: aw hell yeah! lemme tell you what i need! I need some dracos, mini dracos. got any?
FC: no, sorry. I just did the gun show this weekend and I sold out of a lot of stuff.
1: What about an AR pistol? You got any of those?
FC: I got one Sig 516 pistol left in stock
1: will that shoot 223 AND 556?
FC: Sure, chamber is cut wide enough
1: yeah that'll work. When can we meet? I got CASH. Straight cash yo!
FC: Why don't you come down tomorrow, I'll get your cash and do your paperwork. Three day wait if you don't have a concealed.
1: WHAT DO YOU MEAN PAPERWORK?
FC: You gotta do paperwork, is that a problem?
1: I'm looking for a STRAIGHT CASH DEAL man I don't want to do no paperwork, I want to just cash and carry same day!
FC: You want to make one trip and pickup?
1: Yeah man!
FC: Okay no problem, just give me your credit card and when your wait clears come in and pick everything up.
1: Yo I'm three hours away! Why you gotta make me do paperwork?
FC: What's the problem here? You don't trust me?
1: I don't trust you! I want to just give you cash to not do paperwork. Like I'll give you $1000 extra so I can get everything without a wait.
(Note: I'm having this conversation ON THE PHONE IN THE BAR of the Olive Garden with all the other diners in earshot. This is where it gets good.)
FC: Let me get this right. You want to pay me $1000 extra just so you don't want to have to do a waiting period and paperwork?
1: yeah! thats right!
FC: Why's that worth that much more to you?
1: I got a felony so I can't do no paperwork
FC: So it sounds like you got a felony and you got cash to spend and you want a no paperwork deal on a bunch of guns.
1: that's right! So can you help me?
FC: Where you at?
1: I'm outside Mobile, about three hours away
FC: Okay here's what I'm gonna do. I probably can't help you, but here's what I'm gonna do. Whats the best number for you? I got a buddy of mine from high school who works with guys like you all the time. I'm going to give him a call and give him your number and if he wants to meet up with you, he's gonna set that up - you're talking to him from now on and not me. Got it?
1: yeah man that would be great! have him call me or text me here's my digits (he gives me number and I write it down on a cocktail napkin)
FC: Okay I'll pass it along - no promises
1: thanks nigga!
I hang up the phone. I take a deep breath and smile.
So, I told you that story to tell you another story. Back when I was in high school, I was a real hellraiser. One of the guys that I went to Central High with went LE. He started as a sleepy road cop and promoted to narcotics detective. His claim to fame is busting a bigtime celebrity with drugs and basically made his career on that arrest. Since he was USELESS for undercover work after that he decided to go to the feds. He then spent about 5 years working with the state department and DSS doing all sorts of secret squirrel shit across the globe while paying DC rent for a capitol hill apartment he was never at. That got old. So he put in for a transfer. This is about 5 years ago back in 2015.
He decided to go to ATF and be major league doorkicker. He goes to transfer and they need a DEEP background check. Like someone that's known him for 10+ years from hometown. He's low on contacts from home and he facebook messages me. He asks me if I can call back the background investigator and do an interview. I say sure, no problem. I am the ONLY person that's still in the same town from high school and everyone else is dead/in jail/would not make a good person to contact.
The guy calls me, comes by my office and interviews me, asks me about my friend, I told him all the embarrassing stories from high school including the time he lost a bet, had to wear a dress and smear ranch dressing all over his face while holding a sign that said "NOT MILK! and we took polaroids. Yeah. Anyways, despite all that he gets the approval and the shiny ATF badge. He's now kicking down doors in an undisclosed location in a major gun/drug trafficking corridor of the US and up to his eyeballs in arrests.
The reason I told you this story? He went to police academy in mobile, was a road cop outside mobile and a narcotics detective outside mobile. He did is MPA and doctorate there. He still has lots of friends in southern law enforcement.
I pick up the phone and call him. No answer, VM.
FC: Hey Eddie, you still have friends at the Mobile County Sheriffs Department? I've got some low hanging fruit for them to pick.
The entire bar has heard the dialogue and the following voicemail message and cracks up laughing. I'm offered 2 beers (I show them my AA chip, thanks but no thanks) and I get a bunch of attaboys from the salesmen.
So, I call back ATF Jane. ATF Jane has some colleagues in Mobile that she can call and I CC Eddie on the chain.
Today, I didn't even have to use my AK.
I got to say it was a good day.
Brb. Lasanga.

[Guide] 1000 Ancient Tunnels runs + Comprehensive Guide to High Rune Drop Rates - part 2

Introduction

Hello all, Initially this post was meant to be a highlight of 1000 Ancient Tunnel runs, which I have completed over the last few months (had a break in between). I wanted to sum it all up somehow and since I am absolutely fascinated by the entire rune concept and their drops, I decided to go a bit deeper and...create a guide with some helpful tips and in-depth analysis.

Purpose

The purpose of this guide is to show the best non-LK way to farm high runes and to highlight how many runs you need to perform before you will see some results, which is what I believe setting this guide apart from other articles I have seen so far. Also, there are at least 3 main sources for rune drop odds, each showing different numbers, so I wanted to confirm that by myself which one is good. Which means digging into text files.
I'm saying non-LK, because nothing beats Lower Kurast chest farming, mathematically it is the fastest but at the same time - the most boring way. You will turn yourself into a human bot, there won't be any experience, any items (besides charms and jewels). I did my fair share (1200 runs) and that's it.
Big shoutout to preppypoof for creating the original guide! I can confirm that vast majority of the information that can be found there is correct.

Who am I?

I am a data analyst, ex semi-pro poker player and a fan of Diablo II of course :) I like numbers and statistics - that is exactly why runes are so fascinating for me.

Definition of a High Rune

Many say it starts from Vex, I would say it starts from Gul, since it is the first rune you can't get from Countess (from her special drop). On the other hand, Ist is rarer than Gul, but then again - it doesn't make sense to transmute two Ists into Gul, especially since Ists are quite valuable for MFing.

A quick recap

For those who don't understand how this rune drop system works, there are essentially 3 main steps that have to be fulfiled before you will see your rune. If you are not interested, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.
>!1. Select the "Good" category Depending on act, difficulty level and monster type (melee, range, wraith, cow, etc.), each monster has its own category, based on which game will decide what items it can choose from upon its death. Most popular will be most likely Act 5 (H) H2H C, which is common for melee monsters in Level 85 areas. There are the following possibilities: - NoDrop 100 - gld 21 - Act 5 (H) Equip C 16 - Act 1 (H) Junk 21

- Act 5 (H) Good 2

sum or probabilities: 160!<
We won't go into any more details, all you need to know is that: a) you want to hit Act 5 (H) Good (2/160 or 1.25%) b) ideally, you want to minimize NoDrop, so that your odds for hitting Act 5 (H) Good will increase (we will get to that later)
2. Selecting Runes 17 from Act 5 (H) Good Welcome inside the Good category.
>!- Jewelry C 60 - Chipped Gem 4 - Flawed Gem 10 - Normal Gem 14 - Flawless Gem 28

- Runes 17 14

sum or probabilities: 130!<
You see that Runes 17? This is what we aim at (14/130 or 10.8%). If you would like to know more details about what Runes 17 is, please visit preppypoof's guide.
3. Selecting rune quality Welcome inside the Runes 17 category. Now it's time to select your prize. Runes are organized in categories, two in each in all categories all the way up to Runes 16 (besides Zod, which is alone in its top tier category called Runes 17), that's why you have 2*16 + 1 = 33 runes in total.
Random number generator will go in a "stairs-like" sequence: - let me try to get you that Zod, 1 in 5171. Oh, we missed? Let's go one step down to Runes 16 (that will happen in 5170 out of 5171 cases) - Welcome in the Runes 16 category. We have 2 offerings, especially for you my friend: Cham and Jah. Every single time the top rune (here it's Cham) will have a probability of 2 and the bottom rune will have a probability of 3 (here it's Jah). The difference will be the last part, which will determine the chance to "step down". At the highest levels, this chance will be huge, but it will gradually go down.
In this example, it's 2941. Add those 2 and 3 and you have 2946 of that probabilites. So, after going down to Runes 16, now your options are: - 2/2946 to get a Cham Rune - 3/2946 to get a Jah Rune - 2941/2946 to step down to Runes 15
The sequencer will go all the way down to Runes 1, where you have El and Eld - unless it will hit something during the process (which is what we want).
>! So in short, we must hit all 3 things at once: - Good category - Runes 17 - our desired rune Multiply all those probabilities and you will get some astronomical numbers, but don't panic yet :)!<

Rune Odds Tables

This one will be almost the same as in the original guide. However, I have found a small error in preppy's calcs. I got the same numbers from Zod till Ohm, but starting from Vex and below your chances of hitting those runes are slightly smaller than in the quoted article. I found the reason: preppy took the remaining probability (if you are looking at the example above - that would be that 2941) as the total sum of probabilities, whereas the total is bigger by 5 (that would be 2946 in our example). This error continues all the way down and most likely throughout the rest of the columns (for Wraiths, Cows, Champions, etc.). I will only provide you with an updated table for Regular monsters and in a moment you will see why.
Rune odds for /players 1

Rune (Others / Regular)	Chance	Chance of ... or better
Zod	3 841 314	3 841 314
Cham	1 471 885	1 064 137
Jah	981 256	510 509
Ber	1 095 823	348 264
Sur	730 549	235 837
Lo	810 410	182 677
Ohm	540 273	136 518
Vex	569 154	110 107
Gul	379 436	85 342
Ist	401 293	70 376
Mal	267 529	55 719
Um	272 924	46 272
Pul	181 950	36 891
Lem	138 358	29 348
Fal	92 238	22 606
Ko	71 100	17 458
Lum	47 400	12 909
Io or Worse	774	758

While it is interesting to note that Ber Rune is rarer than Jah, getting a Cham Rune isn't that much far away, it is just 1.5x rarer than Jah. That "1.5x rarer only" means additional 2100 AT runs though…
It is absolutely shocking how much rarer Zod Rune is from Cham Rune (2.6x rarer). It reminds me of poker hands: AA is just miles and miles away from the 2nd most powerful hand - KK. Then the differences between the next hands get smaller, similar thing can be observed here.

Players X setting vs Rune drops

Remember first point of the sequence? Here is where the players X setting come into play. By increasing the number of players you can decrease the NoDrop value. It goes as per so called NoDropExponent, there is complicated formula behind it, but let's get down to business.
In short: every odd number will increase the player bonus, that's why you want to select players 1/3/5/7, but never 2/4/6/8 (unless you want more experience and you are a super fast killer anyways).
I think this is another mistake that I found in preppy's article. He said that increasing players setting from 1 to 3 will yield you around 30% more runes. Well...it looks like the increase is much bigger than that! Here is a breakdown for numbers up to NDE=4 (which is same as players 7/8 and is max what can be reached in a single player game where there are no party members around you. Higher NDEs are possible on multiplayer).

NoDropExponent	1 (players 1)	2 (players 3)	3 (players 5)	4 (players 7)
New NoDrop	100	38.46	19.38	10.8
Prob "Good"	1.25%	2.03%	2.52%	2.82%
Hitting Runes 17	0.135%	0.219%	0.271%	0.304%
% increase	-	62.48%	24.03%	12.11%

It means that you should farm runes on at least /players 3 setting, because I am almost sure you won't take more than 62.48% time to kill them. After that point is where the fun begins. Going from p3 to p5 is still doable, but from p5 to p7 is a tricky one.
Interpretation: if your current clear speed on p5 is 5 mins, then you should clear p7 in a time no longer than 5.6 mins (5 mins 36 seconds). In other words: increasing players difficulty setting, which will increase monsters hit points from 300% to 400% (+33.3%) cannot take you more than additional 36 seconds to clear, otherwise you're better off on p5.
Tip: players X settings does have an effect on popables (chests, urns, etc.). It is possible to first clear the area on a lower settings and then after that changing it to p7/8 and then popping the chests/urns. Whether you consider that strategy as cheesy or not I will leave that up to you. Personally I find it troublesome to constantly switch between the settings.

Expected Value - introduction

This is my favorite part and what I think sets this guide apart from the others - the expected value. Well almost, there is something similar in an absolutely great guide about LK vs Travincal vs Cows, where one guy has even used some serious high-level math (calculus etc.), but the results are still close enough so that we can use our basic approach.
So, what is that expected value? Basically I will try to answer a very frequent question: how many runs you need to complete before you will get that Jah Rune. I will give you the exact number, with one small "but": you need to understand that because of the RNG (Random Number Generator) nothing is certain for 100%. It's the same as with rolling a dice. If you want to roll a "6", you have 1 in 6 chances to hit it. Your expected value after 6 rolls is 1 (1/6 / 6 = 1), meaning that after 6 rolls you expect to hit that 6 once. However, it is totally possible that you will hit that 6 in a first roll or that you won't hit it in your 12th roll. Same with runes. Below are your chances (or if you will: confidentiality levels) per each EV (these values are similar to almost every drop in Diablo II):

# of EVs	Confidentiality Level
1	63.212%
2	86.466%
3	95.021%
4	98.168%
5	99.326%
6	99.752%
7	99.909%
8	99.966%
9	99.988%
10	99.995%

The way I calculated the EV includes normalizing everything to a regular monster (for which we already know the rune drop odds). We need to do this first before coming back to the EV.

Normalization

I will Ancient Tunnels as an example. What you need to do is to calculate how many "regular kills" you can get per one full clear (full clears are better if you are looking for runes). That means, you need to translate every champion/unique, every urn, every chest, every boss and what not - into a regular monster. How to do that?
For champs and bosses you can use drop calculators, even though they show incorrect values (way too high, in reality your chances are better), but the proportions are maintained. I will use preppy's tables since I have confirmed them so I know they are good to use. Small note: this is a third and last mistake that I found in preppy's guide. He claimed that players settings increase will have a very small effect on rune drop odds for champions and bosses. The answer is: it doesn't have any effect (just like your Magic Find %), since there is no NoDrop value, so there is nothing to be decreased. I will use a Zod Rune as an example, but you can use any rune that you want.

Regular p1	Regular p7	Champ	Champ p1 proportions	Champ p7 proportions	Unique	Unique p1 proportions	Unique p7 proportions
3 841 314	1 700 319	1 600 548	2.4	1.07	744 255	5.16	2.29

As you can see, if you play on p1, then killing a champ or a boss makes a massive difference in terms of runes. Once you switch to p7, there is almost no difference between a regular and a champ. I measured the average number of bosses and champions over the course of ~~ 30 runs. Same for regulars and urns. Last thing that might be coming to your mind: how the heck can you know what are the drop odds for urns and chests?!
There is another great guide made by Urlik. It was for 1.10, when rune drop odds were less optimistic, so I can't rely on exact numbers, but...I can rely on proportions. In his guide, Urlik has found out the mean number of runes produced per kill at p8 (which is same as p7). Like I said, we cannot take these numbers directly, but we can copy/paste them into Excel and then get our proportions. Our baseline will be the first line: Melee/Cast/Missile. Let me present you the rest of the important proportions.

	vs Regular
Special Chest	16.64
Special Chest - Locked	22.29
Sparkly Chest	37.60
Type IV (like Urns, Jars, Baskets)	1.16
Type III (like Rat Nests, Goo Piles, Jugs)	5.55
Type I (regular chests) - Locked	11.09
Type I & II	4.16

There is way more than that, but these are the objects that you will mostly encounter. As you can see, Sparkly chests and special chests (like those in LK or behind Mephisto or in River of Flame) = are your best friends. So essentially: popping one special chest is the same as killing 16.64 or 22.29 regular monsters, depending whether a chest is locked or now (no wonders people like LK chests, although their dropped is bugged). There is a table for that too. In AT, chance for a chest to be locked is 16.5%.

Total regular kills and kills per minute

We are almost there. Now we are at the most crucial point of this article - calculating total kills normalized to a regular. You can do the same for your own map (The Pit, Chaos, you name it). Here is how it looks like for my Ancient Tunnels at p7. What you are looking at are the average numbers of monsters/urns/whatever I have encountered over the course of 15-30 measured runs, it is time taking, you need to count it and then write it all down somewhere. Kind of self data collection. Remember: each map seed is different and my AT map won't be the same as yours. Map rolling is actually another interesting topic, AT holds few secrets which I will reveal later.

	Nominal	Normalized
Regular (x1.0)	86.7	86.7
Champ (x1.07)	3.5	3.73
Unique	5.2	11.92
Sparkly (x37.6)	1	37.6
Type IV (Urns) (x1.16)	38	44.25
Type III (x5.55)	3	16.64
Type I	1	5.3
TOTAL		206.13
Average time per full clear		3.6
P7 kills per minute		57.26

The way I derived that 5.3: = (0.165 * 11.09) + (1-0.165) * (4.16) = 5.3
Okay folks, the number required here is 206.13 and 57.26. Remember, that's on p7. You can do the same for p5 and compare your results with p7, but one important thing: first you will need to translate all p7 kills into p5 kills. One regular p7 kill is worth 1.12 regular p5. So in my example, that 86.7 would translate to 97.2 p5 kills. Don't forget that player bonus doesn't apply on champs/bosses, it's just the proportions will be different.
Kills per minute is in my opinion your main metric you should be monitoring in order to gauge your progress and make a decision whether to step up the players settings or not. Going from p5 to p7 will of course bring you some more runes, but it can decrease your normalized kills per minute. Make sure to maximize kills per minute by: - choosing the right players settings (As a rule of thumb, if you can already one shot everything on a current setting, then it's usually good idea to increase players X) - equip your max killing gear (MF doesn't matter, although it's still good to have some! I have 182)

Expected Value - # of runs required per rune

Time for the final results you've been waiting for :) Just some small remark: all objects "kills" in Act 2 can be calculated towards your final result up to Lo Rune, because Lo is max what these objects can drop in Act 2 (Act 1: Vex, Act 2: Lo, Act 3: Ber, Act 4: Cham, Act 5: Zod). In my case, they make for the ~~ 50% of the total "kills" which is both good and bad.
Good, because there is no there is almost no way you can kill 11 monsters faster than you can pop 10 urns (if you can, then most likely AT is not for you anyways, Cows will be faster).
Bad, because that means AT is not that great of a place to hunt for Sur+ runes, you will see what I mean when I will compare it against Chaos Sanctuary.
Assumptions: - p7 - One AT run # of regular kills up to Lo: 206.13 - One AT run # of regular kills up to Zod: 102.35 (substract all objects from the total result) - Number of AT runs: 1000

Rune	EV	Actually found	# of AT runs to realize one EV
Zod	0.060		16 613
Cham	0.157	1	6 366
Jah	0.236	1	4 244
Ber	0.211		4 739
Sur	0.317		3 159
Lo	0.574		1 740
Ohm	0.862	1	1 160
Vex	0.818		1 222
Gul	1.227	1	815
Ist	1.160	1	862
Mal	1.741	4	574
Um	1.706	1	586
Pul	2.559	5	391
Lem	3.366	4	297
Fal	5.049	3	198
Ko	6.55	10-12+
Lum	9.82	10+
Io or Worse	601.83

And there you have it :) How to interpret these results? I think it went quite well. Clearly, Cham Rune destroyed everything in this run! Normally, there is a 63.2% chance to find it within one EV (6366 runs), but the lucky run was run #571 :) Jah Rune was found in Drifters Cavern, so technically it wasn't in AT, but I since I did that run kind of "in between" and for fun, I decided to include it anyways. That was before run #546.
Fact: I got plenty of runes from the urns/chests/jugs: Gul, Um, Mal, Pul, Lem and countless Ko, Io, etc.
Q: Ok, so you are saying that after 1000 runs I am guaranteed to get an Ist Rune (EV: 1.16), right? A: Not quite, you are guaranteed to fulfil your EV for an Ist Rune after 1000 AT runs (1.16 runes after 1000 runs or 1 rune after 862 runs to be precise), which gives you 63.2% confidence to get it. Wanna 86.5% confidence? Do 2000 runs. Wanna 95% confidence? Do 3000 runs. Wanna 99.995% confidence? Do 10000 runs.

Ancient Tunnels vs Countess

For runes up to Ist, Countess is your best source. I will use the results from 1000 Countess Runs done by dbrunski125, who has inspired me to my own Human Bot Project (love that name!). Worth noting is the fact that it is possible to do one Countess run in 30-40 seconds, so you will complete 1000 Countess runs ~~ 6x faster.

	1000 Ancient Tunnels	1000 Countess Runs
Zod
Cham	1
Jah	1
Ber
Sur
Lo
Ohm	1
Vex
Gul	1	1
Ist	1	0
Mal	4	6
Um	1	8
Pul	5	10
Lem	4	9

That shouldn't be a surprise, after all - this guide is about high runes especially, but that is just out of curiousity ;) But then again, it's kind of robotic, just killing one single boss on p1, almost no items, no challenge.
In AT, I can constantly challenge myself, tweak with the gear, keep on improving my run times, get those elusive ethereal items, find mythical TC87 items and then also find some runes. Pure Diablo experience at its finest.

Ancient Tunnels vs Chaos Sanctuary

Assumptions: - players 7
- One CS run # of regular kills up to Zod: 408.91
- 1000 runs

Rune	EV AT	EV CS	CS/AT	# of AT runs to realize one EV	# of CS runs to realize one EV
Zod	0.060	0.229	3.81	16 613	4 361
Cham	0.157	0.628	4.00	6 366	1 593
Jah	0.236	0.941	4.00	4 244	1 062
Ber	0.211	0.843	4.00	4 739	1 186
Sur	0.317	1.264	4.00	3 159	791
Lo	0.574	1.14	1.98	1 740	877
Ohm	0.862	1.71	1.98	1 160	585
Vex	0.818	1.623	1.98	1 222	616
Gul	1.227	2.435	1.98	815	411
Ist	1.160	2.302	1.98	862	434
Mal	1.741	3.453	1.98	574	290
Um	1.706	3.385	1.98	586	295
Pul	2.559	5.077	1.98	391	197
Lem	3.366	6.677	1.98	297	150
Fal	5.049	10.015	1.98	198	100

As you can see, on average CS will provide you 2x more runes up to Lo (or same number but 2x faster), but I am not really sure you can run it in a time no longer than 2x AT time. You can try to compare it against p5 CS, which will be definitely faster and will yield only ~~ 12% less runes. Very interesting :)
However, from Sur onwards CS is clearly better. CS collects additional points for a high monster density (roughly 200, out of which around 60-65 are wraiths, which have 3.5x the chance compared to a regular).
I am currently 59 runs into CS. For now, I will stick to AT, until I will find ethereal Colossus Blade for runeword Death (the EV for finding that thing is ~~ 1477 runs). Once done, I will switch to CS, since I need Lo, but specifically Sur for runeword Pride for my merc (it required Cham as well, which I already have).

Farming Lo Runes - time efficiency

I will take Lo as an example to illustrate. I will assume that you want that Lo Rune at all costs to the point that you sacrifice each Ohm, Vex, Gul. I will calculate each Ohm as 1/2 of a Lo, Vex as 1/4 of a Lo and Gul as 1/8 of a Lo - this isn't a fully correct approach, but I don't feel like doing calculus :)
My EV for Lo (farmed directly or cubed up) is: = 1 * 0.574 + 0.5 * 0.86 + 0.25 * 0.82 + 0.125 * 1.23 = 1.363 or after 733 runs
Currently, my average run takes 3.6 mins (massive improvement compared to like 7-8 minutes on p3/p5 back in the days). This translates into 44h or AT running. How does that compare vs LK / Travincal / Cows? I'm going to quote numbers from this great article:
Area: LK p7/8 Average runs to cube/farm Lo: ~1433 runs Average run-time and time needed to farm Lo: 25s: ~9.9h 21s: ~8.4h 18s: ~7.2h
Area: Travincal p3 Character: sorceress - for barbarian 55% hork divide numbers of runs by 1.597, and for 56% hork divide by 1.608 Average runs to cube/farm Lo: ~1725 runs Average run-time and time needed to farm Lo: 26s: ~12.5h 22s: ~10.5h 18s: ~8.8h
Area: Cows p5 Cows killed per run estimate: ~400 Average runs to cube/farm Lo: ~281 runs Average run-time and time needed to farm Lo: 4m 30s: ~21.1h 3m 30s: ~16.4h 2m 30s: ~11.7h
And now AT p7: Average runs to cube/farm Lo: ~733 runs
3m 36s: ~ 44.0h
If you are ready to become a human bot, then clearly there are better options out there :)

Why AT/CS and not LK?

LK is too robotic and mind numbing. Plus, finding a Sur Rune or Ohm Rune is like: oh, okay, cool. Finding Mal/Um in AT is like: wow! Finding Ist+ is like: OMG !!!! Much much more excitement :)
Experience, socketables and TC87 items. Pretty much everything that contributes to Diablo being Diablo. Turning yourself into a human bot can be the fastest way, but in my opinion brings no joy and can only lead to getting burned out and bored with this game.
Travincal is a much better choice, at least there is some fight involved, though it's a short one (if you can't clear the council and get back to act 4 in like 30-35s with a non-hork character then I am not sure it's worth it). You also need a very high-end gear, p3 Trav council can apply some serious punch, especially under nasty mods/auras. They drop from TC84, so forget about TC87 items.
Cows can be good for a fast killer, but in my opinion they are also quite boring and irritating (moo moo, moooo!).

Is it worth to cube up?

Generally yes, but not when you cube up two more popular runes to get one rarer rune. Examples: 2 Ber into Jah, 2 Lo into Sur, 2 Vex into Ohm, 2 Ist into Gul, 2 Um into Mal = my advise is: don't do that, unless you desperately need that Lo Rune and if you think you won't need those Vex Runes anymore.
Also, I wouldn't care much about runes below like Sol or Io - it will take you ages to cube up to Pul, it takes a lot of time to collect these runes and then stash them, you need to return to the stash more frequently = massive time loss. Also, you need lots of chipped gems, which are very hard to find on Hell difficulty. I personally had tons of Amn runes and no Chipped Amethysts, which are necessary if you want to cube up to Sol Rune, you Amn was kind of "choke point". Actually, I would seriously question collecting charms as well, since upgrading your damage from +2 to +3 won't really change a lot if you already have good charms, but might hurt your run times. The odds for hitting a skiller+life or re-rolling it are similar to hitting a high rune.

Best non-LK areas for rune farming

Sur+ runes = Chaos Sanctuary and possibly Worldstone Keep, since after Lo Rune AT loses its primary weapon, urns. WSK can be very dangerous though. Cows if you are a fast killer.
Up to Lo = AT might be better than Chaos, unless you can clear Chaos in no longer than 2x the AT time.
Chaos has one big advantage: high amount of Wraiths, which can be killed over the ground vast majority of the time (in comparison to Arcane Sanctuary, where it's not possible).
Chaos sucks for socketables and for items too (especially TC87) for the very same reason, since a decent part of monsters are Wraiths which won't drop any items actually.
Chaos runs will provide more experience because of Diablo (there won't be any exp penalty). WSK is worse, it takes way longer to get to Baal, CS wins.
AT is a great balance for everything: lots of TC87 stuff, good chance for runes up to Lo, easy monsters, no cold immunes, no Lord de Seis/Archer-like monsters that can one or two-shot you, fast clear time.
CS won't provide as many TC87 (Wraiths drop nothing, Diablo and his 3 seal bosses drop up to TC84), though it provides a good chance for any rune up to Zod, monsters are tougher though, Decrepify curse is a pain and you need to watch out for Lord De Seis - one wrong move + bad combination (fanaticism + Extra Strong + Extra Fast + AMP curse) = and your life bubble can reach the bottom in like 0.2s.
Cows will be probably even better for socketables than AT, but they totally suck for magic items, chances for TC87 items are like 15x smaller.
Cows require more hassle: go to Tristram, get that leg, get tome of TP, clear a huge, wide open area. Whereas AT/CS are much more "restricted" by walls and objects = easier crowd control and navigation.

Q: What about the Pits? A: Haven't run them a lot, but I think they will be worse than AT. Hardly any popables, that can drop max up to Vex. Lots of monsters though, yes, but archers who can one/two-shot you are a pain. Entrance is also located way further from the waypoint in comparison to AT (if you get a good map, mine has trap door super close to WP, 2 teleports away).

Final Verdict

Best rune farming area is the one that will provide the highest kills per minute. Which area is this precisely will depend on your character, build, map you got and your personal preferences.
My answer for my Frenzy barb? Ancient Tunnels wins in almost every single category :)

1000 Ancient Tunnel runs

Oh, I almost forgot about my project :) You already know what kind of runes I acquired, so here are the items: 001-100: barb skiller charm, Natalya's Mark, Gore Rider 101-200: Immortal King's boots from a chest, Thundergod's Vigor 201-300: Mara's, Dragonscale
301-400: Dracul's Grasp, Kira's Guardian, great small charm (+3 max dmg, 20 AR, 16 Life), Bartuc's Cut-Throat, IK Ogre Maul, Carrion Wind 401-500: Rainbow Facet, Tal Rasha's armor
501-600: Arreat's Face - my personal holy grail :) , Tomb Reaver, Templar's Might 601-700: ethereal Berserker Axe, Crown of Ages 701-800: Lightsabre, Amazon skiller +36 life, Reaper's Toll 801-900: Tal Rasha's Lidless Eye, almost perfect Annihilus (19 all stats, 16 all res, +10% exp) 901-1000: Ormus Robes with Blizzard, Death's Web (the rarest drop by far!), 2nd Dragonscale and 6 runs before the end of the project...last piece of IK set - IK Soul Cage :)
I wish you all good luck. May the EV be with you!

https://preview.redd.it/syx7g8ukn6y41.png?width=802&format=png&auto=webp&s=2abcb25b71ff2e7c08f1c349f72ff52ec87fb30c

Looking for Poker Chips

OBLIGATORY FILLER MATERIAL – Just take a hard left at Daeseong-dong…9

Continuing...
“I say that you’re way the fuck out of line, Chuckles. Are you an educated, experienced, fully licensed and internationally renowned master blaster?” I asked.
“No, but…” he tried to continue.
“But nothing, Scooter.” I said, “What, other than your insane xenophobia and nationalism, causes you to come to such unfounded, not to say stupid, conclusions?”
He looked down at the deck. Evidently, he was not used to being challenged in such a manner. He realized he walked face-first into a metaphorical wood chipper.
“I’m waiting for your answer, pally.” I continued.
Still nothing. He was either deep in thought or ill at ease from newly soggy undergarments.
“Want to know why I chose what I did? Fine, meet back here in 15 damn minutes.”
He looks at me with a most perplexed, and ignorant, look on his face.
“Dax, Cliff? I need you.” I say.
We go back to the weapons locker and I explain my idea.
“Let’s load a case of typical, TYPICAL Chinese-made dynamite. Then let’s load a case of American C-4. Be very careful with that leaky Chinese shit. Wait one. I’ll do it if you want and you can handle the C-4.” I say.
“Ah, Rock; yeah. We’d appreciate it. You being the Pro from Dover, after all.” Cliff agrees.
“No worries”, I say, “I got this. You make me up a nice, tightly packed case of C-4. For demonstration purposes.”
I find a near-empty case of dynamite and begin to judiciously fill the thing with random samples of shitty and leaky Chinese manufactured and Korean not-too-well-cared-for dynamite.
This stuff was so incredibly shitty and poorly manufactured that even when leaking and nasty, it was nowhere near as dangerous as its Western counterpart. It was loaded with so much and many interstitials, like sawdust, diatomaceous earth, literal horseshit, and shredded newspaper, the nitro denatured itself to some degree as it oozed out.
Plus, in the non-climate controlled weapons locker; the high humidity, salt air, and poor circulation from the small open grate facing the sea, the nitro had desensitized somewhat and evaporated. It left only sticky, thin, fly-ridden films rather than the usual ‘waiting for a good reason to explode’ puddles.
It was in no way as twitchy as that locker back in Nevada. Oh, but be assured, it was still a shit show.
If I really wanted to, I could blow myself, this boat and all occupants into the next dimension rather easily, but it was nothing like that old locker back in that disused Nevada mine. I still needed to be scrupulously careful as there could potentially be puddles of the pale yellow, viscous liquid explody stuff, instead of the thin films I was mostly finding.
Either way, it required caution and judiciousness.
Nitro’s twitchy as fuck and the last thing I need is a dropped nail, blasting cap, or hunk of the rotten box falling into an errant nitro wet patch…
Extra attention was exercised.
Dax and Cliff are halfway through, and I’m still picking through the leaky, smelly bundles.
“Next time”, I mused to myself, “I‘m writing in a ‘Handling fucked-up explosives”-clause in my contract. No matter how much I’m being paid for this, it ain’t enough…”
We find a couple of expendable, dry-rotted ‘life preserver’ floaty-rings, upon which we secure both cases of explosives. They’re tethered with a rope and primed with a number of blasting caps.
I let the head local Korean crank examine both to ensure that I’m not trying to pull a fast one.
He did not notice the 3-pound bag of Tannerite (an impact-actuated explosive) I snuck in the middle of the box of Chinese TNT.
“Now. Satisfied that they’re equal?” I asked. “Nothing fishy here. Just dynamite in bundles, with caps. Then, over here, C-4 blocks with cap. OK?”
He was satisfied; but only after letting a couple of the shiny suit squad check as well.
“Well”, I smirked,” So much for your ‘covert observation’, asshole.” This guy was DPRK secret service or equivalent.
“Holy cold-pack cheese-food product fuck”, I cogitate, “They are so goddamned suspicious”.
I ask Dax to go over to the pilothouse and borrow the mauled AK-47 I saw hanging on the bulkhead there. They keep it for run-ins with cranky sharks, walruses, and lovesick blue-footed boobies evidently.
“OK, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll float each out, and I‘ll trail with demolition wire. Once we’re a few hundred meters out, you can press the big, shiny, green button and detonate your dynamite. I even used 6 blasting caps, to give each bundle its own. You saw that. We green?” I ask.
He was, although suspicious of what I had in mind. He agreed although he refused to use my terminology, the stodgy prick.
So float away the dynamite case we did.
The case of Chinese dynamite floated out and away from the boat, leaving an oily slick in its wake. As it got to around 200-225 meters or so, I requested a rendition of the Korean version of the Safety Dance, as it was just too fucking hilarious to watch.
Once completed, I handed Doubting Korean Thomas the detonator.
“Your turn, Tweedles”, I said, “Hit the button to spark off your “much-better-than-the-West’s” Oriental dynamite.”
He grabbed the detonator, gnashed a tooth in my direction, and mashed down on the big, shiny, green button with a vengeance.
PFftt! PAH-foof! fuff
There was a cheery little pop, a puff of acrid smoke, and not much else.
Let it be said from the onset that I just selected examples of the Oriental manufactured dynamite at random. I didn’t look for the worst or leakiest. Though truthfully I really didn’t have much too choice in the matter.
“You! You swindled me! You knew the dynamite wouldn’t explode! Somehow you knew it!!” he swore in my general direction.
“Try it again”, I said after retrieving the detonator and doing a quick re-wire to another bank of blasting caps.
“Gumeong-e bul!” [“Fire in the hole!”].
MASH goes the big, shiny, green button anew.
Pfffft!” *Pop. Poooof! Piffle. Blerp.
Nothing but a cute little pop, a poof, and a few acrid puffs of smoke.
He was crestfallen.
He had taken on the Motherfucking Pro from Dover in a necessarily explosive subject, with inevitably disastrous results.
I asked if anyone here was weapons trained. A couple of Coasties raised their hands.
“And you are? “ I asked the closest one.
“Lt. P'an Tae-Hyun, Sir”, as he snaps a snappy salute.
“Groovy.”, I reply and retrieve the AK from Dax.
“Can you squeeze off a couple of shots and hit that floating box of dynamite?” I asked.
“Yes, sir!” he replied, smiling.
“OK then”, I replied and turned to the crowd.
“Dynamite is usually pretty stable stuff and won’t detonate without a blasting cap or impulse source. A bullet will most certainly not detonate it. However, I’ve stuck in 3 pounds, imperial, of Tannerite, which is a type of binary explosive used for targeting. Tannerite will most definitely and energetically explode when impacted by a high-velocity bullet. I think we can agree that an AK-47 round is high-velocity?” I asked.
There were nods and a buzz of general agreement.
“Now, there’s the better part of a case of unexploded dynamite out there. That’s what we in the business call very, very fucking dangerous. Now those three pounds of Tannerite should vaporize everything within a 10-meter radius if it detonates as designed. Agreed?” I asked.
Again, there were nods and a buzz of general agreement.
“Lieutenant P'an?” I asked, “At your discretion. Fire at will. Or the dynamite case, as it were.”
He nodded. He walked over to the furthest point on the stern, checked to see everyone was back and out of harm’s way, as he was a consummate professional. He futzed around with the old AK for a bit and took a shot.
It was low and outside.
“Ball one”, I snickered.
“Sights are off. Not any problems.” He remarked.
The next round found its mark. The Tannerite exploded adeptly.
It threw sticks of unexploded Chinese dynamite over a 20-meter radius. They each sank into the briny deep leaving only an oily spot to mark their entry and eventual watery grave.
The top of the case of dynamite was blown off, but the floaty ring remained. We reeled it back in to find a few more scorched, but unexploded, sticks of fine Oriental manufacture explosive on the bottom of the case.
These were motherfuckingly dangerous. Cantankerous dynamite has no place on a ship.
I remarked, however, that this would be no problem. Dax and Cliff brought up the case of C-4, which I had wired with one single blasting cap and booster.
We had Korean Doubting Thomas and his shiny suit buddies give it the once over to ensure I wasn’t trying to pull a fast one.
He agreed, it was nothing but C-4 as advertised.
One of the more expendable Coasties jumped down on the stern transom-rack which is just above the waterline on the back of the boat. He wired the two rings together and set them adrift, tethered by a good nylon rope with my nasty, silky demolition wires trailing.
Dax was working the rope and I was handling the spool of demolition wire. I had a good 350 meters of the stuff on the spool and wasn’t about to return a single centimeter.
Old habits and all.
As they floated away, Mr. Kwan asked if we’d like a bit of refreshment, as, gosh, it sure was dusty out here today.
Of course, we agreed in unison.
Good old Mr. Kwan.
So, we’re unspooling our lines slowly, drinking our end of the day refreshers, smoking cigars, and watching our Oriental colleagues getting antsier every minute.
I knew what a case of C-4 was going to do when detonated. It would be one hell of a show.
I was so confident with my design I had Lt. P’ay return the AK to the pilothouse. Wouldn’t work here anyways if the C-4 failed to detonate.
But that’s not going to happen.
Dr. Pro from Dover Rocknocker has spoken.
Finally, I’m almost out of demolition wire, and Dax has tied off the tether.
I motion over to Herr Doubting Thomas and hand him the detonator.
“For ye of little faith”, I smiled, recalling the entreaty that even Satan quotes the Bible for his own nefarious uses.
But first, an encore of the Korean Safety Dance. They're guaranteed to raise a smile.
I look to the character fumbling with the detonator.
“At your convenience, good sir”, I say, dripping insincerity.
“Gumeong-e bul!” [“Fire in the hole!”]. Mash goes the big, shiny, green button.
KA-MOTHERING-FUCKINGLY-HUGE-BOOM!
Even over 300 meters away, every one of us not only saw but felt that shock wave. It was like a solid Savate kick to the chest. The boat even rocked a bit in appreciation.
I smile, retrieved the detonator, safe it, and reply: “And that is the singular reason why I used good old American manufacture C-4 as a sonic seismic source rather than shitty, leaky Oriental dynamite. Any further questions?”
He shook his head in agreement, bowed slightly in my direction, slunk away, and that was the very last we ever saw of Mr. Korean Doubting Thomas.
The Captain saw and felt the detonation. He put the boat in park, actually, he handed it over to the sub-pilot for station keeping and came back to the fantail.
He wanted to know if we were now officially finished with our project.
We maintained that we were and it had come off very, very successfully; in no small degree because of his boat handling abilities.
He came over to me and shanghaied one of the translators.
“Doctor Stone?” he asked.
“Hrmph. Close enough.” I smiled.
“May I be first to congratulate your team. In eight sorties, you and your teams are the first to fulfill mission parameters. I am pleased to say that this will go on all our permanent records. It will mean bonuses for all present. I salute you.” And does with a naval flourish.
“No shit? Well, thanks, Cap”, I reply, “But I’m just the den mother for this special education class. Without them, and all their hard work, it’d never have happened.”
“I knew you would say this”, he smiled, “You are leader of men. We see that. You are teacher, but also not afraid to work. You should do this more often. Use your education and experience to train and teach others.” He says, shaking my hand.
Now it’s time for me to wonder. Did he hear of my offer back home? I don’t think he did, I’ve been playing those cards very close to the vest, as it were. I am now officially confused and bebothered.
But, since I don’t believe in anything, much less coincidence, I’m going to chalk it up to happenstance and just gratefully consider the source.
He asks that we wait here and he’ll return forthwith.
“On a boat this size, there are not too many places we can sneak off to…” I chuckle.
He returns with a very, very old bottle of something quite unidentifiable since it appears to be lacking a label. He yells something in official Korean and suddenly, a tray with little, itty-bitty demitasse-style glasses appear along with some smoked fish, I think, nibbles of some kind.
He pours a dram for all present. No one dares take as much as a preemptory sniff until he’s finished with the ceremony.
Everyone thusly charged, he begins a toast.
“Shoo-buddy”, I think, “I’ve been down this road before.”
It was quick, succinct, brief, and laudatory.
According to him, we had ‘hung the moon’.
I liked this style of toasting. Left more time to drink and for camaraderie.
The project thus finished, as we were running out of potables, especially freshwater, victuals, and toilet paper; we were headed back to base. That is, back to the hotel to see what our comrades who chose to stay onshore had developed.
But, that was going to be for another day. First, we needed to chug our way back to port, both literally and figuratively.
Ahem.
Before which, though, there were some housekeeping and paperwork chores. Dax, Cliff, and I did a quick reconnaissance of the explosives locker and created a ‘used’ manifest; which all three of us signed.
They may be officious, they may be obtrusive, but damn, they certainly love their goddamned paperwork over here.
We gave copies to the head shiny suit, one for the Captain, and we retained copies for our records. Along with notes that we expended two rounds from the pilothouse AK, as we were trying to out-officious these officious paper-pushers.
We made certain the keys were returned and logged in the proper logbooks and the explosives locker was locked securely, solidly, and soundly. Before which, we policed up the weapons locker and actually offered to the gods of the briny deep, quite the quantity of unsafe, leaky dynamite, and other ordinance that was more a disaster waiting to happen rather than inventory.
Seawater would neutralize the nasties and in the case of anything metallic, it’d be gone within a fortnight. and the phosphates might provide some nice fertilizer for some lucky passing Cnidarians. We were in water of near 45 fathoms. This stuff would never hurt another living thing.
The Captain was very pleased that we had taken that task upon ourselves. He wasn’t allowed to do anything about what was in the locker, but he was responsible for it and keeping the wrong people out of it. I commented that was a fairly stupid way of handling things, and he mentioned that he’d appreciate it if I made an official note of it to the powers that be once we go feet-dry, i.e., get back to shore.
I assured him we most certainly would.
From then on, all we had to do was putt-putt our way back to port.
It was going to take some hours and we’d end up berthing during the wee hours. This would not be a problem as our bus and driver would be waiting for us no matter what the time. He would briskly and without fanfare, return us to our hotel.
That we were actually looking forward to bunking back in the old hotel sort of gave one an idea of the Spartan arrangements we had endured for the last three days.
Most of the Westerners groused and complained in a humorous manner. Hell, it was only three bloody days. Some of our Oriental friends were so totally aghast they vowed to lodge formal complaints once they returned to dry land.
Landlubbers.
Odd that once we hit the beach, they all scattered to the four winds and not a single letter nor either a peep of protest was ever forthcoming.
Yes, this is an intensely weird place.
We wandered down the gangplank, cigars a-fume, and drinks recently and for one last time, refreshed by Mr. Kwan. The shiny suit squad was supervising the offloaded of the seismic data we had collected and had seen it soundly sealed and concealed in the very living bowels of the bus. It was to return with us to the hotel, where we’d demand a receipt. Then it would be off to the ‘Technological Center” on Scientific Street for processing.
They assured us that they’d handle that themselves. Evidently we were good enough to acquire the data, but not good enough to see the finished product.
Ack, Volna, and Ivan chuckled.
“OK, you pirates. What did you do?” I asked
“They can try with all their might. But without the decryption key, they’ll spend years processing encoded compressed nonsense.” They snickered. “We did offer to come and help set up the decryption for the decompression of the raw data, but they said they could handle it themselves. Oh, well. We tried. Seriously, we did.” Ack and Volna snickered.
“Well, keep it handy in case they come to their senses before we get out of here,” I said.
“Always our intention, Herr Denmother”, Volna chuckles.
“Oh, you heard that?” I snickered quietly.
Back at the hotel, the majority of us sent our sea-gear to our rooms via the on-site laundry. That being settled, the majority of us retired to the catacombs of the basement.
We needed strong drink, decent, non-tinned food, and seats that didn’t slop around every time you sat down.
Well, with the acquisition of our sea legs, two out of three wasn’t bad.
Since the hour was much too late, I decide that tomorrow, well, later today, would be a day of R&R for everyone.
Moreover, I was informed that tomorrow would be the “Day of the Sun” celebration, the insanely earnest celebration birth anniversary of Kim Il-sung, founder and Eternal President of North Korea. It’s supposed to be some sort of big, hairy nationwide deal. But aside from a couple of small posters, we heard little and knew less about the holiday and its celebration.
Everyone’s being even more uncharacteristically low key. It’s odd like there’s something weird going on here.
“What? Something weird and covert and sneaky going on in Best Korea? Pshaw, you old fart. You’re letting the paranoids get to you!”, I mused to myself.
This place will do that to you after a while.
I asked the front desk to place a note that made the rest of today a day of R&R in everyone’s mailbox. After another cigar, some decent prawn stir-fry, and a couple-twelve really stiff drinks, we were all ready to invade the land of Nod for a few hours.
I went downstairs for a drink, a nosh, and a smoke. I ran out of NK won as we tend to use them in Western Expat high-stakes poker games, so I needed to trade some of my weird Middle Eastern currency for weird Best Korea currency.
I was used to the 900:1 won:US dollar (equivalent) trade-off, but after cashing in the equivalent of US$500 in Middle Eastern dinero, I walked off with 650,000 won, not 450,000.
“Pardon me, Ms. Cashier”, I said to the nice little local woman behind the bird-cage security wires, “I do think you gave me too much.”
She took my stack, re-counted it, and proclaimed it correct.
“I thought the exchange rate was 900 to the dollar?” I asked.
“No”, she remarked, “Now 1,336.”
“Any idea what’s causing the fluctuations?” I asked.
She just smiled and shook her head ‘no’. I smiled back and tipped her 50 UAE dirhams for the information.
“Weird. Now what?” I mused.
Little did I know…
The next morning dawned dim and early as there some sort of something going on outside.
Oh, yes, it was ‘The Day of the Sun’ celebration. I discovered it was is an annual public holiday in North Korea celebrating the birth anniversary of Kim Il-sung, founder, and Eternal President and local Poobah-in-Charge of North Korea. It is the most important national holiday in the country, and is considered to be the North Korean pseudo-secular equivalent of Christmas.
“Well,” I thought to myself, “I picked a damn good day to call for an R&R break.”
Then I found out, why no one told us about any of this is still unknown, that the next two days after the holiday would also be considered a holiday.
Come to find out, there are all sorts of intrusive, inconvenient, and wholly unnecessary nonsense that accompany these high holy days here in Best Korea. There are exhibitions, fireworks, song and dance events, athletics competitions, idea seminars: “Think about it!”, and visits to places connected with Kim Il-sung's life, including his birthplace in Mangyongdae.
Shops close, the hotel televisions block any other ‘programming’ and show only ‘special’ movies. Either ridiculously fake documentaries on the life of the also ever so ronrey Kim Il-sung or movies he especially enjoyed. People parade to his statue on Mansu Hill to deposit flowers; later in the day, it resembled a pollinated glacier.
There’s general obviously forced elation, all of which is extraordinarily strained and appears fake. People are trucked by the groaning busload to the Kumsusan Palace of the Sun where the dead maniac lies in state.
“Fuck this”, I said in the exact spirit of international amity, “I’m going to the bar.”
I go downstairs to the basement bar, and even though it’s a high holy day, it’s open early. It didn’t used to be open until the afternoon, but since we’ve arrived, they have adjusted their hours for us.
They have also doubled their daily receipts. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.
One of my favorite barkeeps was station keeping that morning. I greeted him in the usual style and expressed to Mr. Ho Gun the best holiday wishes.
“Hi! Ho!”, I said, “Annyeonghaseyo”, which comes out ‘Annie young eez-yo!’ in my Baja Canuckian dialect.
Mr. Ho laughs at my attempt at Korean, but he does appreciate the effort.
“Doctor Rock”, he says, “Dawn greetings. You will drink what?”
Nice and direct, I like that.
“Ye’ ken Greenland Coffee, me ol’ mucker?” I asked in a swirl of different dizzying dialects.
Koran confounds me, so I thought I’d return the favor.
“No, but I’m sure it’s coffee with some of your usual high-proof liquors, correct?” he smiles as I hand him a nice, oily Oscuro cigar.
“For Best Most Happy Returns: Day of the Sun”, I said, waggling the stogie, as I hand it over.
“However, you are correct. Normally, ‘authentic’ Greenland Coffee is a paltry 1/3rd ounce each of Whiskey, Kahlua, and Grand Marnier with excess coffee. Well, I don’t cotton to those liquors or measures. So my Greenland Coffee recipe, really from Greenland, by the way, is Siku Vodka, or any other high-octane vodka, as long as it’s premium. Then Immiak, which is Greenland’s version of Jagermeister, so let’s just go with Jager. Then finish it off with a shot of Tia Maria or Kahlua, if available. Oh, yes, then hot coffee. Silly me, almost forgot…” I conclude.
“And measures?” Mr. Ho asked.
“Whatever fills the cup”, I replied, in a bastardization of an old Russian toast.
“OK, how about a 35 mils (~1 ounce) stiff shot each booze, then hot coffee to fill your mug? With a chilled vodka chaser, as per usual?” He asks.
“Make it so, Mr. Ho,” I say. “No whipped cream or crème liqueurs, please. I’m lactose intolerant, and, well, no one wants to hear that…”
He laughs and whips together a very nice morning sunriser.
It’s a real day off.
In a very, very weird land.
It’s Festival outside and I stayed up most of the night calling people back in the world, creating and updating dossiers, doing explosives-tracking paperwork, worrying over logistics, and how and when the fuck we’re going to eventually get out of here.
Fuck it, double front. I’m doing my ‘people watch’, perched high on Mahogany Ridge. I’m taking, for the first time since, hell, I left the Middle East, some real downtime.
I figured I deserved it.
I was the only one at the bar, but after a short time, there were festival-goers who infiltrated down into the hotel's subterranean catacombs. They didn’t know of the bar’s recently expanded hours and when they saw me sitting high up on Mahogany Ridge, smoking my ubiquitous cigar, they rejoiced.
Obligatory Festival and alcohol! Better than beer and power tools.
In the Baja Canada time-honored tradition, I have a pile of the local currency sitting on the bar. At the new exchange rate of 1,386 won to the dollar, I’m making out like a bandit.
Drinks here are cheap, really cheap, to begin with. With this fluctuation in exchange rates, which I figured reflected the holiday, I was flush. In the chips. Well-heeled. I've got a lot of what it takes to get along.
So, I was feeling magnanimous. I was tipping people very well.
“Paper?” one local asked.
“Sure. How much for a week-old English version of the Daily Worker’s Manifest and Pork Belly Futures Digest? 100 won? Here’s 1,000. Keep the change.”
Not wanting to become over-caffeinated, I switched from Greenland Coffees after a couple to my usual potato juice and citrus concoction. Each one came in a tall, frosted gimlet glass, a very nice touch, and was expertly made my Mr. Ho after I showed him once when we first arrived.
Each one, with the current exchange rate, was about 500 won; an exorbitant sum for any local. It was about US$0.40 for me. I bought several for people who bellied up to the bar and tried to engage me in conversation.
I was used to handing out business cards, hell, one never knew where contacts could lead; and not receiving one in return.
Today, I collected four new business cards; two from various European ex-pats, and two from locals.
I guess Festival! time brings out the best and least paranoid in people.
It’s only 1000 hours in the AM and people here are already seriously lubricated.
This will be a fun few days.
I decided to get a rather tall drink in one of my 100-ounce Kum-n-Go travel cups. With all the hoo-ha going on around here, I haven’t seen a handler, translator, or guide since we got off the boat. I decide with all the shenanigans and goings-on around the place on this festival day, no one would give me nor my wardrobe a second look if I were to venture outdoors for a walkabout.
Besides, we’re on a bloody island. It’s not like I can go too damned far.
So, quicker than a bunny fucks, I get my drink, fire up a cigar, and walk around the lobby of the hotel. There are the usual comings and goings of tourists, local workers, the security forces, and all that allied tat.
I wait until a tour bus pulls up and all eyes are somewhere besides me.
Pfft! And I’m standing outside the hotel, looking at all the sights.
Which, truth be told, weren’t much.
Yanggak Island is a slovenly-manicured island with shrubberies, tracks, trails, and assorted support buildings. The river is basically hidden behind stunted shrubs and nevergreens, and the remains of the defunct golf course. There’s a stadium on the island, which was thronging with festival-goers today. I don’t know what sport, if any, they play there, and didn’t care enough to ask anyone.
There was a cinema hall, which was currently empty and looking in need of some dire repair. There’s some sort of Chinese health complex in the process of being built or torn down, it was hard to tell which. Needless to say, the scenery paled almost immediately.
I did, after a concerted effort, find a small platform that overlooked the Taedong River. It was a very nice little observation platform with a couple of new-Tudor-esque electrical replica gas lights and two concrete benches where a weary traveler could sit and just watch the river.
So I did.
I was interested in the fish of the river, and wondered if any of the locals did any fishing; or if it was forbidden, as are so many ‘proletariat’ activities are in town.
I did see a few locals, huddled out of plain sight, down by the shores of the river fishing with long, 10 meter, reel-less poles. In Britain, they would call this type of fishing ‘noodling’.
I didn’t see them catch anything, but in the bar later, I spoke with a local who told me that they catch various species of fish here. These include Asian Aroana, Blue Guppy, Catfish, Crab, Eel, Halibut, Hucho Perryi, Octopus, Orange Guppy, Pacific Flying Squid, Rainbow Trout, Salmon, and Tuna.
I’m not saying my informant was lying or embroidering the tale, but from the nasty condition of the river, I think Coney Island Whitefish, Cotton River Horse, Dumpster Trout, and Bugle-Mouthed Salmon would be the more common species.
I had enough perambulation and even though I wasn’t given the least look, I felt a bit uncomfortable out here. That unfiltered sun and equally unfiltered air. After that, I wandered back to the hotel and went to enter to go to my room.
“HALT! Who goes there?” some door guard yelled at me.
“An American tourista who was out on a walk”, I replied.
“Impossible!”, he replied, “Tourists are not allowed out without their guides.”
“Look, Herr Mac”, I said, “I’m Dr. Rocknocker, and I am an invited Western Petroleum Scientist with the UN special-invited group here to evaluate the country’s oil and gas potential.”
“You are not allowed.” He replied loudly.
“My good man”, I replied, equally loudly, "Not allowed? Not allowed? I’m a geologist, I’m allowed everywhere.”
With that, I grab the handle of the ornate door, take a slurp out of my drink, and sally forth into the hotel.
Of course, he goes non-linear. He follows me and is making all sorts of bad noise. He is almost literally dancing around me, pointing, and exclaiming that I’m not allowed.
Then, he made a bit of a mistake.
He grabbed my arm.
Really, really poor career move.
I switched my drink to my left hand and executed a pretty spiffy opposite-side wrist grab on the noisy little nerf herder.
He was so shocked by this turn of events, he went slightly white and was rendered mute for a short time.
I frog marched the little irritant up to the front desk and asked the head clerk there to explain to my captive audience who I was and why I was here.
The clerk smiled and gave the character whom I was dragging around a quick background on the guy who was currently holding him captive. When I heard “닥터 락 노커” [dagteo lag nokeo, “Dr. Rocknocker”], I dropped this guy’s hand and just took a few steps back.
After a minute or two, he comes over, very, very abashed. He apologizes as he wasn’t told that any Americans were allowed outside the hotel.
I told him ‘No problem’, as I really didn’t have any special permission and didn’t want to get the guy into any trouble. I offered him a cigar, which he refused, but he readily accepted the half-pack of Sobranie pastel cigarettes I had in the pocket of my Hawaiian shirt.
I decided from that point to just stay inside the hotel to smoke, drink, and avoid any further Imperial entanglements.
I wandered on down to the casino because I was bored and it was unusually quiet. Too hepped-up to sleep, too tired to work, it was that odd interarea between “should I be giving a fuck” and “who the fuck cares?”
Leaving the basement, I wandered around the ground floor, just taking in the sights, and looking at the “Festival Specials” at the hotel shops.
I found an empty, unlocked conference room that looked inviting. About two dozen chairs, a large wooden table, TV monitors, and a southern view of the city from slightly above ground level.
I walked in like I owned the place, as it is always monumentally easier to get forgiveness than permission, sat down at the head of the table, propped my feet up, found an ashtray, and began playing with the remote to see what was available.
Evidently, these rooms were available for rent by various factions, cadres, and other sorts of like-minded individuals. However, whoever was here last forgot to re-set the filters on the satellite television.
There was real the BBC, real-time. There was German TV, Russian TV, Japanese TV, and even some American TV; all the best of the absolutely prohibited hit parade.
I shut it down and left immediately. I went to find my comrades. They simply had to see this.
I located Dax first, as he was losing won at a rapid rate down at the basement casino. He said he’d spread the word to any of the team members down in the tunnels and we’d meet at Conference Room #1.
I had taken the precaution before leaving to move the “Occupied/Unoccupied” placard to indicate it was in use and that if you hadn’t reserved the room, you’d do best to stay the fuck out.
I waited the obligatory 20 minutes for the elevator and went up to ‘our’ floor.
I knocked on all the doors where I knew they were occupied by our occupants. I found a few of our team and informed them that if they were so inclined, there would be an unannounced, impromptu, and wholly illicit meeting down in Conference room number 1; complete with refreshments and real, uncensored television. They all agreed and said they’d rouse the rest of our team on the floor.
I was feeling so brazen, that when I went down to the ground floor, I stopped at the front desk and ordered lunch and drinks for my team in Conference Room #1.
“Oh, sir”, the desk clerk responded, “We don’t have any reservations today for Conference Room #1.”
“Well”, I replied, “We are in there and if it wasn’t reserved, how would that have happened? The room would have been marked as unavailable, which it clearly was not; as it was open and available and we are now occupying it. Therefore, it wasn’t marked unavailable so it must have been available; not unavailable as you postulate. It’s almost a simple example of the single equation theory of universal containment. So we are meeting there now and requiring refreshments. It’s simply a logical progression of the facts of the matter.”
“You are, of course, correct”, she immediately responded, distracted by all the Festival goings-on in the hotel, “Now, you said you’d like to order 4 dozen assorted meat and cheese sandwiches, two cases of beer, and a mixed case of bottled liquor?”
“Yes”, I replied, “You see, it’s only going to be a brief meeting. I’ll also need ice, carbonated and non-carbonated mixers, sliced citrus fruit, and an on-call bartender if you have one available.”
“Oh, yes sir,”, she replied, “That will be immediately arranged. Anything else?”
“Yes”, I replied, “I’ll need about a dozen ashtrays, of the larger variety. Also, I am going to leave explicit instructions with you to disseminate to hotel staff that we are not to be disturbed. This is a very high-level meeting of the scientists of the IUPG. We will be discussing, umm, ‘sensitive information’”.
I used the international ‘don’t-even-think-of-bothering-us’ buzzword to let her know were being very serious indeed.
“Oh, yes sir”, she stiffened.
“Marvelous”, I said and slipped her 1000 won for her troubles. All sighs of nervousness instantly disappeared.
“Excellent. Excellent service.”, I said, rubbing both hands together most Mr. Burnsly.
I go over to the conference room and see that our order has begun to already arrive. Have to hand it to them, you call for room service and you get room service. Especially if you’re well known around the hotel to be free with imported cigars, pastel cigarettes, and lavish tips.
One by one, my teammates filtered in. There was everyone from out earlier pleasure cruise, and most of the force that remained back in the hotel to prepare the paperwork for our ground assault.
Cigars, cigarettes, and pipes were lit. Sandwiches consumed and drinks were downed. After everyone had a chance to see their home-town, or at least home-county, version of the news, I decided that it would indeed be a good time to have a bit of a meeting. It was going nuts outside with the Festival, and as long as we were in here, we were being left alone.
After the obligatory facilities break, I returned from a 40-minute round trip to my room to get a couple of my field notebooks. I wanted a record of the proceedings, no matter how spur-of-the-moment.
When I returned, I thought the room looked a bit spare. I did a quick headcount and I noted we were missing someone. I glanced through my notes and saw that our Bulgarian geomechanic, Dr. Iskren Dragomirov Dinev, or ‘Iskren’ was not present.
“Hey, guys”, I asked aloud, “Anyone seen Iskren lately?”
There was a brief conclave and the answer was a solid negative.
I called the front desk and got his room number. I asked them to ring his room for me. His room phone rang and rang and rang, but no answer.
“Who last saw Iskren?” I asked the assembled crew.
The Finnish PT, Joon, recalls drinking with him at the casino the night before last. He seemed normally jovial as was normal for him.
“Anyone else? Or since?” I asked.
Again, the answer was negative.
“Something’s not right”, I thought, my rock sense was tingling. “Dax, Cliff, you’re with me.”
We all left, stopped by the front desk, and asked for medical assistance. We explained where we were going and the sudden absence of our Bulgarian friend. We expressed deep concern.
25 minutes later, Dax, Cliff, me, the hotel security chief, and hotel doctor were standing outside Iskren’s room. We had pounded on the door for a good 3 minutes. He certainly wasn’t in the shower.
No answer.
“Fuck this. Open it”, I said.
“Under whose authority?” the chief of hotel security asked.
“Mine. Dr. Rocknocker. I’m the team leader of the IUPG crew. Do it.” I said.
The door was laboriously opened, as both door bolt locks had to be breached. The room was dark, silent, and entirely unnerving. In the gloom, it appeared that there was a human form, unmoving, on the bed.
“I’m a rock Doctor. I think we need a medical doctor here.” I said to the hotel sawbones.
The hotel doctor went in without switching on the lights nor touching anything. He examined the mound on the bed. Apparently, it wasn’t a pile of dirty laundry.
“Was the occupant of this room a large Caucasian male, approximately 60-65 years of age?” He asked.
“Yes”, we all answered together.
“I’m afraid he’s dead.” The doctor replied.
Dax looked at Cliff who looked at me. In unison, all that was heard was a tripartite:
“Oh…fuck.”
To be continued...

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